Endlessly, She Said COMPLETE
by Sjoeks
Summary: Based on the song by AFI. In their final year, Sirius hides behind his smile. Only, he doesn't realize that his friends are able to look right through it. And in the end, all they want to do is help, even if he claims not to need or want their help. J/L
1. Prologue

Prologue

James laid in silence as he heard the front door close. He sighed deeply and crawled out of his bed, only to be hit with a cold breeze. He shuddered slightly and tiptoed to the hallway. On his way out, he grabbed his invisibility cloak and threw it over him. He waited on top of the staircase and glanced over at the big hanging clock in the hall. Four thirty. It had been later.

Sirius snuck up the stairs, after he reemerged from the cloakroom. James watched him as Sirius stood a long time in front of James's door, only to shake his head and walk to his own sleeping room. James cocked an eyebrow. Sirius had been sneaking out of the house for weeks now and usually he came back grinning. There had been no amusement on his face this time. He had been looking rather depressed. James wondered is he should go in and confront/comfort his friend, but decided against it. Sirius had stood at his door, if he had wanted to talk, he would've come in.

James turned and went back in his room. He sighed again when he snuck under his covers. He hadn't had the guts yet to ask Sirius about his nightly behavior, but now, he felt like he had the right to know. If whatever Sirius had been doing made him happy, James had no problem with his friend sneaking out of the house. After all, Sirius was of age and James felt as though Sirius needed something to make and keep him happy. But now, the thing had made Sirius upset and James didn't like an upset Sirius. So he promised himself he would Sirius ask about it first thing tomorrow morning. Then, he fell back asleep.

Morning came and went, and Sirius couldn't be found anywhere in the house. James's parents weren't worried, but sent their house-elf to look for their guest. The poor thing came back miserable, telling its masters that she hadn't been able to find Sirius. Mrs. Potter shook her head, and figured that Sirius just needed some alone-time, and would be back by dinner. After all, healthy boys needed food, and Mrs. Potter's was the best.

It turned out that she was right, and Sirius came strolling into the dining room when his grumbling stomach told him it was feeding time. He joked around with James and Mr. Potter and acted as if everything was alright. He made James feel like a fool, when Sirius started joking about his Head Boy Badge. Mr. and Mrs. Potter just laughed harder.

"Pads?" James asked, long after dinner, when the two boys had invaded the living room. Sirius looked up, grinning, and made a questioning noise.

"Where do you go each night?" James asked, not bothering to hint. Sirius's face fell and he stared at his friend for a few seconds, before shrugging and grinning again.

"It doesn't matter," he grinned, "I'm not going anywhere anymore. Tonight was the last time."


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_October 2nd_

"I so crave for the winter," Sirius sighed, as they sat under their usual tree, spotting girls and (in Remus's case) making homework. The other three looked up strangely.

"I thought you hated the winter?" James asked, "I thought you only loved the summer?"

"Can't a guy change his mind?" Sirius snapped, "I love the winter. I love the snow and the cold. I hate summers."

James and Remus shared a glance, and shrugged both. This was Sirius after all they were talking about. He changed his mind more often than a girl changed her shoes.

"Oi Moony," Sirius said, "When is it full moon? I so crave for that too."

"You might," Remus answered bitterly, "Twelve more days, mate. You'll live through the boredom, don't worry."

"I wasn't worrying," Sirius grinned, "Not with such entertaining friends."

"There better was no irony in there, Padfoot," James laughed, "Or you'll be left alone with no friends."

Sirius gave him the hands up and all four boys laughed. James rolled on his stomach, and watched Lily as she walked by, talking animatedly with one of her friends. Caroline, if he wasn't mistaken. He wondered where her other BFF was. He had heard Lily calling them her 'BFFs', but found it way too girly to use the word himself. Laura probably was in the library, or with her Ravenclaw boyfriend, making out in some unused broom closet.

She was so beautiful. Lily he meant, of course. Laura and Caroline were pretty too, but they would never be able to reach the level of beautifulness Lily had. Lily was like the sun, which made all the stars in the sky look dull and boring. She was his source of hope, of warmth and of love. Unfortunately, she also was his source of misery. She was so kind to everyone around her, but him. She loathed him. Or strongly disliked him, as Laura would whisper, as she came flirting with Sirius.

James sighed and watched his friends. Remus was studying, Peter was copying notes and Sirius was staring into the distance. He had a rather sad look on his face, as he usually had when he was daydreaming, and it wasn't about sex. James grinned. He loved these guys, however he would never sink so low as to tell them. It would sound gay. It sounded like Lily squealed when Laura or Caroline would do something nice for her. Sometimes he was jealous of girls, who could so easily express their feelings. But then he would realize that he didn't _want _to express his feelings. He would feel self-conscious and gay. He should stop calling himself gay.

"How long do we have left?" Peter asked, as he scribbled something on his parchment that wasn't quite readable.

"Ten minutes," Remus mumbled, "You better hurry with that, 'cause I'm not handing it in late so you would be able to copy the rest."

"Yeah, yeah," Peter sighed.

James watched Sirius as he plucked at the grass and chewed on his lip. His gaze was distant and James wished he knew what Sirius was thinking about.

"A knut for your thoughts," he joked. Sirius looked up, seemingly surprised to see his friends.

"Huh?" he asked, "Oh, no, it's nothing, really. My thoughts were just wandering around. Nothing coherently."

"Girls?" James asked with a wink. Sirius looked taken aback for a second, before he nodded and grinned.

"Yeah, something like that," he smiled at him and then turned to his other two friends, "You guys ready? If we're late in Slughorn's class once more, I'll be serving detention for the rest of my bloody life."

"Maybe you can trick Laura in serving detention with you," James said, grinning.

"Laura?" Sirius asked, surprised, "Why is the conversation all of the sudden on Laura? And what do you mean by it anyway?"

"Oh come on," Remus fell in, "You two have been flirting with each other ever since you met."

"There's nothing but friendship with her," Sirius said, scrunching his nose, "She's not even my type."

"Then what is your type?" James teased.

"Anything with boobs, Prongs, you should've known that," Peter said, chuckling.

"Not true!" Sirius yelled in defense, "Lea Travis from Slytherin has boobs, and she's sure as hell not my type."

"She's nobody's type, Pads," James laughed, "Have you ever looked at her? She's damn ugly! And mean too!"

"I hope you're not talking about me," a voice said from behind them. The four boys turned around, to see Laura, holding hands with her boyfriend. She had a wide grin on her face and her hair was untidy.

"How could we talk about you like that?" James answered, irony evidence in his voice. Laura just laughed and walked away again.

"See you in potions," she yelled over her shoulder.

"Ugh, I hate potions," James groaned, "I suck at it. I don't understand why you need it to become an Auror."

"No need to understand, Prongs," Remus said in a soothing voice, "Just know that you need it, so face it like a man."

"Funny hearing that from the only one who isn't fully a man," James laughed.

"No lycanthropy jokes, please," Remus asked. James shrugged and moved on to a safer topic: quidditch. They were all laughing when they entered the potions room, and Sirius had stolen James's bag, throwing it back and forth with Peter. Remus smiled, rolled his eyes and sat down.

"You suck, Black," James laughed, "Sucker."

"I'm not listening," Sirius said in a singsong voice.

"Sucker!" James yelled. Sirius covered his ears and sang off tune on top of his lungs.

"Potter, Black, sit down and be silent, please," Slughorn said sternly as he walked in. The two boys sat down sniggering. James looked at Lily's beautiful red hair. It was thick and full and looked so soft. He wanted to lean forward and touch it, but knew he couldn't. If only she would let him run his hand through it every now and then, but she would scold away when he inconspicuously tried to touch it, and then she would yell at him. He had stopped trying after she had punched him in the face last year. His nose had hurt for days, even after Mme Pomfrey fixed it.

"Partner up, please," Slughorn said. He pointed his wand towards the blackboard and the instructions appeared, "You have an hour."

Immediately half of the class rushed towards the ingredients Slughorn had displayed. James grabbed what he needed and returned to Sirius, who had poured water into their cauldron. He heard Lily bossing over Laura, who was currently having a laughing fit over something Lily had said earlier.

James and Sirius worked in silence and deep concentration. James didn't want to ruin this potion. He needed the points. Slughorn had warned him that if he blew one more potion up, he would be kicked out. Even Peter was a better potions brewer than he was. Actually, Peter was a genius when it came to brewing potions.

"It's got the wrong color," James suddenly noticed, "Shit Padfoot, it's got the wrong bloody color!"

"Relax mate," Sirius said, poking the potion with his wand, "We just forgot the Venomous Tentacula. Throw it in and we'll live."

James did as Sirius told him and released the breath he was holding when their potion slowly turned the right color.

"See? Told you so," Sirius said, sighing softly. James nodded and stirred the liquid. He stole a glance at Lily's cauldron and scrunched his nose in frustration when he saw that her potion was perfect, as ever. Laura's hair had come loose at a certain point and she hadn't bothered to do it again. Lily was frowning in concentration, biting the tip of her tongue. James smiled. She looked so pretty when she did that.

"Stop drooling over Evans, Prongs," Sirius said with a laugh, "You better concentrate on what we're doing."

"Right," James quickly turned back to his friend, "Sorry. Are we almost done?"

"Almost, Prongs," Sirius grinned, "Just stir it five more times. Or six. Just do it five times."

"Sirius!" James breathed in frustration, "Is it five or six times?"

Sirius took a deep breath and seemed to be thinking for a few seconds, "I don't remember. Five I think."

"I kill you if you were wrong."

"Don't be an idiot. You love me way too much to kill me."

"Dream on, Padfoot," James laughed and he stirred five times. The potion still hadn't exploded, which was a really good thing. The two boys watched around the class as the let it cool down a bit. Slughorn looked into their cauldron and nodded. Another good thing.

"I think I might actually have a good mark," James said happily.

"You owe me big time, Prongs," Sirius said dreamily, as if he wasn't really listening.

"Sure, when do you want that bottle of firewhiskey?" James asked with a laugh.

"Mmh?" was Sirius response. His gaze wasn't focused.

"Never mind," James said silently.

"'Kay," Sirius answered. Laura looked over her shoulder and smiled at them. James smiled back. Sirius didn't see her. She waved, before Lily grabbed her arm and ushered her back to their potion. James grinned. His Lilyflower was being herself. He didn't know why, but he bloody loved the girl, however she had hurt him badly before.

"Two more minutes," Slughorn said. James went to put their flask on Slurhorn's desk. Snape put his next to it, and for a moment, James was afraid that Snivelly would push James's potion of the desk. Luckily, the sound of scattering glass never came. Remus grinned at him as he went back to his place. James grinned back. Sirius stared dreamily into space.

"Okay Pads," Peter said jokily when they had left the dungeons and were going back to the common room, "There are only two possibilities as to why you're so unfocused today. Either you haven't gotten enough sleep, or you're thinking about talking a girl into your bed. Which one is it?"

"Huh?" Sirius asked, confused, "Oh. The sleep thingy, I suppose. I really wasn't thinking about getting laid. You talk as if that's the only thing I think about."

"Be honest," James said, "You're the ladies man. They all run after you and you happily show them the way to your bedroom."

"Not all of them!" Sirius said between his teeth, "Besides, I haven't shagged any girl this year."

"You've not gone gay on us, have you?" Remus asked, faking shock and disgust. The playful glint in his eyes gave away that he wasn't serious.

"What? No!" Sirius yelled. He frowned and shook his head at the thought of it, "Never."

"Whatever you say, Padfoot," James laughed, "Whatever you say."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"So then," Peter finished his story, guffawing, "she just came out of nowhere and attacked me."

James, Sirius and Remus burst out laughing and shook their heads. These kinds of things could only happen to Peter. He definitely was the only one who would call a first year with a crush on him an attacker. The poor girl hadn't done anything, but jumped in front of him, blushing and giggling. The Marauders had always been popular, but it wasn't usually Peter they went after.

"First years are scary, mate, I tell you," James chuckled, "They get so clingy all the time. You think they have these altars with our pictures and incense and stuff?"

The boys shuddered and laughed some more. The thought of someone being so obsessed over them kind of scared them. Of course, they all secretly thought it would be something for James to do to make such an altar to worship Lily. James knew they thought that, and smiled by the thought of it. If he was honest, he did stalk her, but he would never sink so low as to make an altar. Besides, he was pretty sure the other Marauders would send him to St. Mungo's to get a checkup.

"When is it our first match?" Sirius suddenly asked. James looked at him strangely. Sirius was on the team. Why didn't he know when their first match was?

"Thirteenth of November," he answered, hesitating.

"Oh," Sirius nodded, thinking, "Really? Weird, I thought it was still in October…"

"Nope, Padfoot," James grinned at him, "And here we are, thinking that _I_ need a checkup at St. Mungo's."

"Alzheimer," Remus said wisely. The other three boys looked at him with blank faces.

"It's a muggle disease," Remus explained, "Like, when you forget everything. It's very scary, actually."

"You know someone who has it?" Peter asked, interested.

"Ehm… yeah?" Remus looked a little sad, "My neighbor got it when she was 36. She is in some sort of muggle hospital right now."

"Oh," Peter thought for a second, "That's sad."

"Yes," Remus nodded, "It sure is."

James looked at Sirius, who seemed deep in thoughts. He wondered what it would be like if one of his parents got this Alz-something disease. Would they forget he existed? Scary. Maybe wizards couldn't get it. Maybe at St. Mungo's they could cure it.

James saw Lily coming towards them. His heart skipped several beats as he watched the redhead approaching them. Caroline walked next to her, talking animatedly, but glancing at the Marauders every few passes. Someone had made a couple of small braids in her short, dark hair, so that her hair was out of her face. Her big brown eyes looked hungrily at Sirius and James, but neither of the boys really noticed.

"Hey Remus, Peter!" Lily smiled, ignoring the other two boys, "I finished the book you gave me."

She rummaged for a few seconds through her bag, before she gave him a very thick book. James looked at it with a slightly scrunched nose. He didn't like reading. Unless of course it had pictures or was about quidditch.

"You have a problem with what I read, Potter?" Lily spat. James looked at her with adoration in his eyes.

"I didn't say anything, did I?" he said gently.

"I heard you thinking."

Lily turned around with her nose sticking into the air. She grabbed Caroline's upper arm and dragged the girl away from the four boys. James sighed and pouted a little. He hadn't even said anything. He had been trying so hard, this year, not to do or say anything that would upset Lily, so she would see how much he'd matured. And yet, every time she saw him, her words lashed out at him and she made him feel inferior.

"Careful Prongs," Peter joked, "Apparently she's a legilimens now."

"Shut up, Wormtail," James sighed. Then, he shook his head and carried his happy face again.

"So," Remus asked, "What are we going to do to fill the rest of the afternoon?"

"We haven't planned a proper prank in weeks," Peter offered.

"Nah," Sirius answered, "I don't feel like planning pranks right now."

"Then what _do_ you feel like, Padfoot?" James asked.

"Sleeping?" Sirius offered with a sheepish smile. James laughed.

"It's the middle of the day, Padfoot," he said with an unbelieving grin, "You're not tired yet, are you."

"Apparently he is," Remus smiled.

"It's been a long day," Sirius defended himself.

"No it's not," James said, smiling. His smile though didn't quite reach his eyes and he looked at Sirius curiously.

"What do you know?" Sirius asked agitated, "You're not the one who couldn't fall asleep of your bloody snoring, are you?"

"Hey!" James looked hurt, "Don't get personal."

It was quiet for some time and the four boys looked at everything but each other in the awkward silence. Then, Sirius sighed.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he sighed, "It's just that I haven't been sleeping well for days, and I'm a little on edge."

"A little," James snorted, but he accepted the apology and they all breathed in relief. The four boys strolled through the castle, not really caring where they were going. In the end, they would end up at the kitchens or the Gryffindor common room anyway. They had some small talk and laughed at the people they crossed. Isabelle Prince was dressed as the slut she was, and blown off by the guy she had a crush at. It was actually really funny to see how she ran after him in tears, after he had cocked his eyebrows and walked away. She really was a whore, so the boy was clever to turn her down. James gave the guy a thumbs up and whistled at the girl as they passed them, Isabelle stamping her feet angrily. She turned around to glare at them and gave them her finger. James laughed.

"Padfoot!" Peter suddenly yelled, shocked. James turned around, ready to see his friend making obscene gestures, but that was apparently not the reason why Peter had yelled.

"Shit Sirius," Remus breathed, "How did you do _that_?"

"How would _I_ know?" Sirius shrieked. His nose was swelling fast, and he was already swaying on his feet because his face was now way heavier. They heard chuckling and James whipped his wand out, ready to hex whoever had done this to Sirius. Snivellus grinned widely at them, pointing his wand in Sirius's direction.

"You're a dead man, Snivelly," roared James and he threw a jinx in Snape's direction. Snape evaded it and hid behind an armor, throwing a hex back. James couldn't avoid it and was covered in some kind of sticky slime. He choked on the stench and hit his rival with a Levicorpus. Snape was yelling bloody murder as he hung upside down.

"Coward," James said, "Attacking people in the back, and then hiding. You're such a coward."

"I'm not a coward," Snape snapped.

"But you are," James spat, "Coward."

James made sure there were growing grapes out of Snivellus's nose, before he turned away from him and towards Sirius. Remus had fixed the problem by now, but his friend still looked a little shaken. James was mad. He was raging, and he had the feeling he was going to choke if he didn't go outside and pump some fresh air into his lungs. His fury was completely overtaking him and he stalked away, afraid that he would hurt some passer-by or his friends if they said something wrong to him right now.

"Prongs!" he heard Peter yell, "James! Stop!"

He just walked on and on, until he was outside, standing in the rain that had started pouring down during potions. He hated rain. Rain made him feel depressed and lonely. He screamed in frustration and felled the slime wash off him. Merlin, he hated that git. He always found a way to ruin his day.

"Shit, Prongs, you're fast when you're angry," Peter panted as he, Sirius and Remus had arrived at where James was standing, "And shit, it's raining and I'm getting wet."

"Go inside then," James grumbled. What he really wanted was a hot shower, but the water that had already soaked him was welcome to. Sirius and Remus stared at him and he stared back. Slowly, the rage left his eyes, and he started feeling ashamed for his outburst.

"Let's just go inside," he said after a long time of silence. The other three Marauders nodded and the four of them paraded back to the castle. James saw a bunch of girls stare at them from a few of the windows that looked out at where they were walking. He saw them gossiping amongst each other and grinned shyly at them and he was pretty sure he saw some of them faint. Or maybe that was just his overactive imagination playing.

"Guys!" Laura was standing at the front entrance, just outside of the rain, "Are you okay? I saw what Snape did. He such a bastard! I wanted to come check on you, but you all walked so fast and I really can't go into the rain. My hair, you know?"

"Laura," Remus said, giving her a small smile, "We're fine."

"Really?" she asked, looking intently at Sirius. James glanced at his friend, who was staring at Laura. Or maybe he wasn't staring _at_ her, but _through_ her. He didn't answer her question, just stared through her.

"Sirius?" she softly asked, "Are you okay?"

There was a short silence, followed by Sirius grumbling, "Yes. Let's go up, I want to change these wet clothes into dry ones."

"Sure," Laura smiled. Then, she turned around and seemed to remember her boyfriend was standing right behind her. Her face fell slightly and she told the Marauders she couldn't come with them. Instead, she would go study with her boyfriend in the library. They parted and the Marauders slumped up the stairs towards their common room. Several girls stared openly at them, and James saw a lot of them whisper behind their hands.

"Their shirts are see-through," he heard a Huffelpuf fourth year moan to her friend, "I never knew they had such beautiful bodies."

James heard the girls sigh and it made him smile a bit. They all ran after them, but barely any girl had the guts to ask them out. All they did was giggle and stare, but they never came to action. Maybe they wanted it all to stay a fantasy. It was possible that they were scared that it would get too real. The other possibility was that they were afraid to be turned down. James didn't date because he didn't want to betray his feelings to Lily, Remus didn't date because he only wanted serious relationships and he was afraid that if he got into such a relationship his girlfriend would find out about his condition and Sirius had apparently stopped dating too. However the reason wasn't really clear. Maybe he'd matured after all, and didn't want to be Hogwarts's most famous sexgod anymore.

"You have rounds tonight?" Remus asked, when they were in their ward, getting rid of their wet clothes.

"Yup," James answered sarcastically, "I wonder what we will fight about tonight."

"It'll be fine," Remus assured him.

"Fine like last time?" James asked with a snort, "She gave me a black eye? What have I ever done to her?"

"Apart from embarrassing her?" Remus grinned, "She's probably just scared. After all, we are the most infamous boys in Hogwarts."

"She should realize by now that we're not playing a prank upon her, shouldn't she?" James asked desperately. Remus shrugged and smiled a sorry smile. James rolled his eyes and turned to his friends, to ask him some advice.

Sirius sat on his bed, staring out of the window at the rain. His head rested against one of the bedposts and his fingers fidgeted with something in his hands. James saw his back slowly rising and falling, along with his breathing. He had this dreamy look in his eyes that he'd been having a lot lately and it made James wonder about what was going on in his friend's head.

"Padfoot, catch me!" he yelled, as he ran and jumped on top of his friend. Sirius wasn't fast enough, and James and he tumbled onto the ground. He groaned as James's full weight was crushing him and struggled to get his friend off of him. James was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and he heard Peter and Remus snicker at the awkward position they were in. He looked down at Sirius and saw his face, red from the effort of trying to push him off him. He rolled off him, and the boys laid next to each other panting.

"That was no fun," Sirius said, after a while.

"Of course it was," James answered happily, "Wasn't it, Wormtail?"

"It was," Peter agreed. James got up from the ground and grinned as he pulled Sirius up too. Sirius looked at him, sighed and told them he was going to take a shower. The other three boys nodded and Remus took out his homework. James and Peter went to playing wizarding chess. They didn't hear nor notice that Sirius locked the door.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Padfoot!" James yelled through the bathroomdoor, "You almost done in there? We're going down for dinner in half an hour and Moony and I want to shower too."

James tried the handle again, but Sirius still hadn't unlocked the door. He sighed and banged his fists against the wood, "Come on Padfoot!"

"Yeah, yeah," he heard Sirius grumble, "I heard you the first three times too."

"Then why didn't you answer?" James demanded, as he let Remus first to shower.

"Didn't feel like it," Sirius answered with a shrug. He yawned, "You have no idea how tired I am."

"Anyone up for another game of wizarding chess?" Peter interrupted. Sirius nodded.

"This time I'll beat you, Wormtail," he said with a playful glint in his eyes.

"No one beats our Wormy, you know that," James grinned. Peter was almost as stupid as he was clumsy, they all knew that. But he was the chess-master. And the potions-master. His father had, before he ran away with a young blonde muggle, brewed hundreds of potions with his son. And they also had spent hours and hours playing wizarding chess.

"Hurry up, Moony!" James yelled, "I'm hungry and I'm not going to the great hall before I've showered."

"The bathroom is all yours, your majesty," Remus grinned as he left the steamy bathroom. James slipped inside and he happily jumped under the stream of hot water. He had been almost dry from the former rain, but now he was all wet again. Wet and loving it.

His thoughts wandered to Lily. He could see her beautiful eyes if he thought about her hard enough. He had tried counting her freckles once. She had slapped him in the face, because she didn't like the staring. She didn't like anything about him.

Like last year, when he had given her a beautiful necklace for her birthday. She had worn it for a couple of hours, until she found out who had sent it. She had forced him to watch how she destroyed it. He had died a little on the inside when she did that. He had really hoped she would love and wear it. He had even asked his mother to help him buy it, because she knew better what girls wanted than he did.

"Shit!" he yelped, as he got shampoo in his eyes. He hopped up and down and wiped his eyes profusely. Lily seemed to always hurt him, even indirectly. He dried his body, got dressed and told his friends they were ready for dinner.

"I'm starving," Peter moaned.

"You're always starving," Remus answered.

Peter grumbled something in response and yelled 'Food!' on top of his lungs as they entered the great hall. James laughed and they all sat down, not too far from Lily, Laura and Caroline.

"Oi, Evans!" James yelled. Lily looked up, obviously bored, "You ready for rounds tonight?"

"For rounds: yes, for you: no," she answered coldly. Caroline patted her back as she shot James a glare.

"Ouch," he said with a smirk, and he put his hand over his heart.

"Oh, go to hell, Potter," Lily sighed and she cut her sausage more forcefully than she had to. Laura smiled and winked at them. Caroline shot her a glare and then glared at the Marauders. James shook his head.

"When will she finally realize that we're made for each other?"he asked his friends with a sad sigh.

"I'm afraid that time will never come, Prongs," Remus answered with a sorry smile, "I'm sure you'll find yourself a better girl once we're out of Hogwarts."

"I don't want a better girl," James pouted, "I want Lily. Padfoot, pass me the lamb, will you?" Sirius gave his friend what he asked for and went back to his food.

"Well," James said gleefully, "at least I'll be spending the night with her tonight. I'll be able to watch her and smell her and…"

"Yuk Prongs," Sirius interrupted, "We really need no details."

"Of course you do," James laughed, "You want to know all about my dirty thoughts about Lily."

"Please," Sirius begged, "Don't start about your dirty thoughts."

"You sure?" James laughed, "Your loss, mate."

"I don't want to spoil my innocent mind," Sirius grinned. James burst out laughing.

"Innocent mind, my ass," he guffawed, "Wormtail, pass me the pumpkin juice.

James was still snickering as he poured some juice in his glass. Sirius was his best friend, but he was crazy as hell. No one who could still think clear would call Sirius innocent. They finished their meal joking about Sirius so called 'innocent mind' until he seemed to get really annoyed. Or maybe they only stopped after Sirius had yelled at them so shut up about his sexlife.

"See you in a couple of hours, my Lilyflower," James winked. Lily glared at them and waved her wand under the table. When James wanted to walk on, he went down because she had jinxed his shoelaces together. His face burned with embarrassment, but he joked about it and acted as if nothing had happened. Sirius got his revenge by teasing James all the way to the common room about the incident.

"Bloody Evans," James grumbled as they sat in the fluffy couches in front of the fire, "I love her, but sometimes, I could choke her."

"Women," Peter said wisely. This made the other three boys crack up. Peter knew less about women than about muggles. But it made James feel happy that his friends tried to understand what he felt. They chitchatted a little and Remus took out a book on a certain point. A little later, Sirius was fast asleep with his head in Remus's lap. Remus grimaced, but he let his friend sleep. He had been complaining about his lack of sleep after all.

"You have rounds in ten minutes," Remus said from behind his book, "Maybe you should start getting ready. We both know how Lily gets when you're late."

James scrunched his nose at the thought of it, but got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back, several minutes later, he smelled strongly like Sirius's cologne. Remus and Peter grinned. Sirius always got mad when the other three used his precious cologne. Well, since he was asleep he wouldn't be able to complain about it anytime soon.

James climbed out of the portrait hole and made his way down to the great hall. Lily was talking with Laura and Caroline. She looked beautiful: with the lights of the great hall shining behind her, she looked like an angel on fire. James sighed softly and looked at her with longing eyes. If only she would realize he would do anything for her. She was his everything, but she seemed to hate him more than getting slime on her shoes. It was so unfair.

"Hi ladies," he smiled casually. Laura smiled back, Caroline glared at him and Lily sighed.

"I guess I see you two later," Lily softly said. Her friends nodded and Caroline wished her a lot of strength. Caroline had always hated them. He didn't know why, but ever from the first time they met, Caroline had been mean to them. Luckily, she, Lily and Snape seemed to be the only three who really hated the Marauders. Laura and the other two Gryffindor girls didn't hate them. Stacha Nichols and Mary Macdonald even wrote them love letters. Laura was on the Gryffindor quidditchteam, so she wasn't as crazy as to write love letters. She never stopped flirting with Sirius though, and the entire school thought they had a secret relationship. The only thing that didn't fit, was the part where Laura had a boyfriend and Sirius, who claimed to have slept with a quarter of Hogwarts, but never with Laura.

"Are we going or are you just going to stand there staring at me?" Lily interrupted his thoughts. She sounded really annoyed, so James gave her his best smile to cheer her up and walked slowly away from the great hall. Neither of them spoke a word for over half an hour. James nervously fidgeted with his wand and hoped she would break the tension soon by saying something. He was afraid if he would say something, she would get annoyed with him again.

"We need to talk," Lily said out of the blue somewhere on the third floor. James was so happy, surprised and shocked, that walked straight into a statue. Lily giggled softly at his red head and clumsy performance. His hand nervously shot to his hair.

"Yeah?" he tried to sound casual, but failed miserably. His voice shot up an octave or two and Lily looked at him strangely.

"It's about Laura," she said.

"Oh," he answered, a little disappointed. He had hoped she had finally seen the light and was about to declare her love for him. Apparently not.

"Is Sirius upset with her?" Lily asked.

"Not as far as I know," James frowned, "Why?"

"She says he always looks so angry at her, and when he doesn't look angry, he ignores her. She wants to know what she had done wrong, so she can make it right again."

"I don't know what bothers him," James thought hard about it, "But I'll ask him."

"Good. Thank you," she said, and then she shut up for another ten minutes.

"So, Evans?" James asked her. She looked at him with a questioning look and he noticed once again how beautiful she was.

"You still don't want to go out with me?" he asked. Lily looked flabbergasted, then as mad as he'd ever seen her.

"You… I… You… I can't believe my ears," she spluttered, with her face as red as her hair, "How many times do you want me to say it? No! I don't want to go out with you. I would rather date Snape then you!"

"You don't mean that!" he gasped, "You'd rather date Snivelly? That git?"

"Yes," she snapped, "He's much nicer then you will ever be and way more mature. At least he doesn't hex everyone whose face he doesn't like!"

"I do not…" James started angrily, "He hexes me!"

"You deserve it," Lily said coldly. James was beyond shocked. What kind of a monster did Lily think he was? Besides, he had stopped hexing people for the fun of it last year. He had done that for her! How couldn't she have noticed? And he was not immature! Peter, he was immature. But James wasn't! Not James.

"Evans," James softly pleaded.

"I don't want to hear it," she snapped, "Just shut up."

"Fine," James sighed. It was so unfair. He wasn't a mean guy and yet she told him he was. He tried so hard to make her notice how he'd changed for her, and all she would see were the things she didn't like about him. The things that weren't there anymore anyway.

They arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady in silence. Lily immediately went to her friends and complained loudly about the things James had said and done. He hadn't even said nor done much.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well," Remus said with a sorry smile when James sad down with his friends. He sighed and glanced at Lily. She and Caroline were currently glaring daggers at him.

"You're guessing it right," he answered moodily. He just wanted to go to bed and sleep it off. He wouldn't feel so terribly lonely and sad anymore tomorrow morning. He would see everything in perspective then.

"Are we going up?" James asked, "Moony, you wake up Padfoot."

"It's your adoptive brother," Remus complained. None of them wanted the wrath of a Black with a lack of sleep over them.

"He's asleep on top of you," James shot back. Remus poked his friend in the ribs and Sirius woke up glaring."

"We're going to bed," Remus told him, and he shoved Sirius off his lap. Sirius grumbled something and he stumbled up the stairs to their dorm. He didn't even undress, before he dropped on his bed and fell asleep again. Remus shook his head disapprovingly.

"See you all tomorrow," James grinned as he closed the hangings around his bed. As soon as he was out of sight, his grin disappeared. He trembled as he curled into a ball and went over the conversation he and Lily had had. He had ruined it all. He had thought that, since they were acting nice to each other, she might have wanted to give him a try. Apparently, he had been wrong again. _Rather date Snape…_ Her words in his head stung like bees. _You deserve it…_ He tried so hard to make her like him and yet she said such things.

All of the sudden, the tears came. He didn't want them to, but they ran over his cheeks like salty rivers. He tried to wipe them away, but they just wouldn't stop falling. After a few minutes, he stopped fighting them and just laid there, weeping silently. He hoped and wished none of his friends heard him. They probably didn't, since they didn't check on him. He would feel even more embarrassed even they saw him like this. They wouldn't understand.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Lily."

He shivered and closed his eyes. He wished he could turn back time. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He never meant to hurt her, and yet he did, over and over again. He should apologize first thing tomorrow morning. She had to know he wished nothing but good things for her. He didn't understand why she didn't like him, while he tried so hard. He also didn't understand why he always said the wrong things when he was around her. He probably wouldn't like himself either, if he was her.

He wished his mother was here. She would tell him what to do. Then, she would make him a nice hot cup of cocoa. She would hug him and rock him and whisper nice, soft things into his ears. He almost smiled at the thought of it.

"Be a man," he whispered to himself. He bit his lip and wiped his face dry. He took a few deep breaths and hugged his pillow. He was a man; he wouldn't lie here crying like a heartbroken puppy. Sirius was the puppy. James was the stag. Puppy time was over. James rolled onto his other shoulder and fell asleep.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Reviews are much loved!

English is still not my mother tongue, so all mistakes are mine, so please point them out to me if you see any.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Rise and shine!" Remus yelled, and he jinxed the pillows, so they would hit James. James groaned and tried to hide under his blankets, but Remus's bloody pillows wouldn't leave him alone.

"Okay, okay, I'm up!" he cried and he pointed his wand at Sirius's bed. A little wave of it, and Sirius was dangling upside down. He screamed bloody murder at that.

"Bloody hell!" he roared, "Put me down! Now!" James laughed and let his friend back down. Sirius didn't look very happy.

"That was not funny, Potter," he fumed. He slammed the bathroom door in their face and they heard the shower running. James turned towards Remus.

"You think he's really angry?" James asked. Remus shrugged, "I mean, it's not like he's never done it to me before…"

"He's just tired, Prongs," Remus said, while going through James's mess, looking for his tie, "Give him a rest. You know Padfoot. He's never been a morning person."

"You're probably right," James sighed.

"I'm always right," Remus answered with a laugh, "Get up Wormtail! You've been in bed for long enough. You don't want to miss breakfast, do you?"

_Breakfast_ was like a magic word. Peter shot up, stripped of his pajamas (his friends covered their eyes and groaned in dislike) and got dressed as fast as he could.

"Breakfast?" he asked in a squeaky voice, a little out of breath. Remus laughed, and James threw his dirty pants at his friend. Peter shrieked and hid behind Remus, who looked a little annoyed. James laughed loudly, and turned back to his bed.

Something icy hit his back and he shuddered as he shakily drew in some air. He turned around slowly as goose bumps invaded his body. His teeth shattered as he glared at Peter, who was grinning widely, while toying with his wand.

"I kill you Wormtail," James yelled, "What in Merlin's name did you do to me?"

"Ice cube jinx," Peter said sweetly, "Comes in very useful sometimes, don't you think?"

"You're so dead," James answered, laughing, and he leaped for his friend. Peter ran away and shot some spells over his shoulder. James could easily avoid them though, and both friends were roaring with laughter as they chased each other.

"Prongs," Remus half smiled, "could you _please_ get dressed fully, before you carry on your chasing party?"

James tried cutting down his laughter, as he mock bowed towards his werewolf friend and stumbled to his bed. Halfway through, he tripped over a bag he was sure was Sirius's and he remained on the floor for several minutes, laughing hysterically. Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed a book. Here he was, thinking that James wasn't a morning person.

Turned out he wasn't one after all, as Remus turned towards his friend's bed a quarter later, to find him fast asleep. At least he had had the heart to get dressed.

"What's Sirius taking so long?" Peter whined. Remus looked at his mousy friend and shrugged. Sirius was indeed taking an extremely long shower. Usually, he managed to be in an out the shower in twenty minutes, but now he had been in there for over forty minutes. He wondered if his friend had slipped and hit his head. Maybe he was out cold on the bathroom floor, bleeding to death as he was thinking his thoughts. Remus shot up and bolted to the bathroom door.

"Sirius!" he yelled, as he banged his fists against the wood, "Sirius, open up!"

"What's happening?" James asked groggily from behind him, "Are we going for breakfast? … Aren't we late for class?"

"Class!" Remus freaked, "breakfast! Sirius! Shit! Merlin! Sirius!"

"Nice knowing that I'm being shouted in the same breath as Merlin," Sirius grinned, as he reemerged from the bathroom, "What's the fuss about?"

"You're not dead?" Remus asked surprised. Sirius cocked his eyebrow and looked at James for help. James shrugged and laughed a little.

"Never mind," Remus sighed, "I got a little caught up in my own fantasy."

James rolled his eyes but grinned, and so did Sirius. Sirius looked distraught though, James noticed, and his eyes were bloodshot. Probably due to that lack of sleep he kept complaining about. His stomach gave a long and low grumble and he petted it gently.

"You will get food soon, my friend," James smiled.

"Oh no it will not," Remus answered, "You're going to class with us. I can't let the head boy sneak out of class to steal food in the kitchens."

"But Moony," James complained, and he gave his hugest puppy eyes. Sirius laughed, but Remus didn't give in. They would just have to have extra lunch then.

"If I starve and die it is your fault," James said dramatically.

"Sure, Prong," Remus grinned, "I'll take all the blame."

Nearly half an hour late, the four Marauders walked into their Defense Against The Dark Arts class. Lily looked up at them and rolled her eyes, obviously very annoyed. Laura whispered something in Caroline's ear, who suddenly smiled very wide smile. Professor Marble clicked her tong and shot the boys a very nasty look. Sirius gave her a small bow and James looked back very annoyed. Remus started apologizing.

"I don't want to hear it," she interrupted. A shudder ran down James's back. She had this awful voice, which sounded like nails on a blackboard. At first she had seemed nice. Very hot to say at least. With her golden hair and huge blue eyes, all of the boys fell for her spell. That was until she opened her mouth. The sound of her voice had made everyone look up very surprised. It was only a couple of minutes later that she handed out her first detention. After that, James and Sirius didn't just dislike her, they hated her.

"Detention!" she shrieked, "Detention! Detention! Detention! All four of you! You will be in my office Friday night, 8 pm. And ten points from Gryffindor!"

"But professor," James protested, "We have quidditch training!"

If eyes could kill, James would have been lying dead on the floor by now. She snorted something that sounded like 'I guess you'll be losing the game then' and pointed towards their places. Very moodily, the Marauders sat down and watched down the class. Lily and Caroline gave them a 'deserves you right' look and Laura a sympathetic one. Then Laura whispered something else in Caroline's ear and they both giggled softly.

"Stupid Marble," James muttered, "Stupid detention. Stupid hunger. Stupid stupid stupid."

"I miss Ravish," Sirius moaned softly, "He was a way better teacher. Marble can't teach even if you paid her for it."

"The dude died because he overdosed on muggle drugs," James said with a grin, "He was definitely our coolest DADA teacher ever."

"And you say _Marble _can't teach," Remus mumbled, "At least she isn't high on muggle drugs all the bloody time."

"She better took some," James grinned, "Maybe that would loosen her up a bit."

"Or she could go straight to overdosing," Sirius said with a devilish grin, "Then maybe we'll get someone fair and interesting to teach us."

"Or just another Binns," Remus said. All four boys groaned. And Professor Marble shot them a glare.

"Well?" she asked, "Why aren't you working? You guys fancy another detention?"

The boys shook their heads and James poked Laura with his wand. She looked over her shoulder and he asked her what they had to do.

"Write an essay on vampires," she whispered.

"Isn't that like third year stuff?" Peter asked surprised. The others nodded. He made a face and grabbed a quill.

"Sometimes," he said, "I truly think she does it on purpose."

"Only sometimes?" Sirius asked and he cocked an eyebrow. Peter turned a little red and wanted to defend himself, as he found he couldn't. Neither could his three friends. They looked up at professor Marble, to see her standing with her wand pointed at them.

"Silencing spell, my dear boys," she said, "You will not speak in my class."

Was she even allowed to do that? James wondered. He wished they'd just fire her. She took every opportunity to make their lives miserable. His fists itched to stand up and punch her in the face. The only thing that kept him from doing that, was the thought that his parents wouldn't be too happy if their son got expelled for punching a female teacher in the face. He'd happily strangle her, if it wouldn't give him too much problems with his parents. He didn't like disappointing them.

Maybe if they pranked her. People hadn't been able to prove it was them earlier, so why would they do now. Everyone of course always _knew_ that it was them, but without any proof Dumbledore couldn't expel them. That was good. They hadn't gotten caught in years, so why would they this time. If only he could poison her, but the house elves would never allow that. Perhaps hexing all of her stuff could do the trick. Tying her up and leaving her in the Forbidden Forest sounded great too, but the centaurs probably wouldn't like that. Boring gits they sometimes were.

He wondered what Laura and Caroline were talking about. They just kept giggling and whispering behind their hair. They were probably gossiping, but James really died to know what was so interesting in Girl Land. He caught Nina Sanders's name and wondered what was so interesting about her. Maybe the Ravenclaw had switched boyfriends again or she'd gone anorexic or something like that. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to be a girl. Did they really enjoy spreading rumors? If he was really honest with himself, he liked listening to girls gossiping. Especially when it was Lily gossiping, but that may be just because she was Lily. He didn't always know whether it was her he loved, or the things she did. Not that it really mattered.

James had never been more happy as when professor Marble dismissed class. Outside the room they were able to speak again and Sirius immediately decided to proof that to the world by complaining loudly about professor Marble. He called her names, which they all hoped she couldn't hear, and told her what he thought about her crappy lessons.

"Shut up, Black," Lily snapped from the other side of the hallway, "It's your own fault anyway: if you had been on time, nothing would have happened."

"I was talking about her poor lessons, not the detention we have," Sirius answered annoyed, "What business it that of yours anyway?"

"You cost us points! That makes it my business!" she was really fuming now, and her hair was fluttering in the wind. It looked as if she was on fire. James sighed, finding her flaming hot. That was until she turned her anger towards him.

"And Potter!" she all but shrieked, "You're a head boy! I expect so much more of you! You're supposed to be an example! But no," she lowered her voice and pinched her beautiful green eyes to little slits, "All you do is disappoint us all. Deeply. I don't understand how someone with the brains of Dumbledore would trust you with something as important as a head boy badge. _I_ wouldn't even trust you with my least favorite pair of socks."

She turned around, grabbed Laura and Caroline by their forearms and stormed off, leaving a very baffled James behind. He felt his heart breaking in his chest and a knot forming in his throat. The knot was so big that he couldn't breathe. He coughed to get rid of the choking feeling. His eyes were burning and there was a ringing in his ears, which left him dizzy. He was pretty certain he was about to be sick, when Sirius called his name and the feeling disappeared again. Lily was not yet out of sight.

"Well," Sirius said semi-happily, "Now that we know how Evans thinks about it, I propose we just ignore it all and don't stay standing here. People are kind of watching."

"Yeah…" James mumbled, "Let's go. Let's just go."

**Author's Note:**

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long!

Reviews are still very much loved, both good and bad ones (I can only learn from the bad ones, now can I?) If you see any mistakes, please point them out to me.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A couple of days later, the Marauders had gotten used to Sirius's new showering pattern. Remus didn't freak out any more, thinking that Sirius was dying when he was taking a particularly long shower and James had decided that it was his duty to tell Sirius when he was really overdoing his showering time. Especially on the day that Sirius started taking 2 showers a day. James realized that it was his right to take as many showers as he wanted, but he still got fed up when he wanted to use the bathroom and Sirius wouldn't come out, even after being in there for more than an hour. At those times James would yell at him and Sirius would yell back. They had never had more arguments than they had now. But luckily, it were all very small arguments that were forgotten by the time they got to the Great Hall for breakfast or dinner.

"Monday morning," James groaned, while grabbing three croissants, a lot of eggs and bacon, a couple of slices of toast and peanut butter, "I hate Monday mornings."

"You hate every morning," Remus smiled, "You just hate waking up and getting out of your cozy bed."

"Shut up about my bed, Moony," James moaned, "I know I hate every morning, but truly, Monday mornings are the worst."

"Sure Prongs," Peter grinned and he took a bite of his toast. Sirius was hidden behind his Daily Prophet and wasn't listening to his friends. Another habit he had adopted over the last week. It happened more and more often that their breakfast went by with James, Peter and Remus joking and Sirius being completely silent the entire time. Apparently, this was one of those mornings.

"Padfoot?" Remus suddenly asked, when they were nearly finished, "Aren't you eating?"

"No," Sirius answered and he looked over his paper at his friends, "I don't really feel well."

"Are you ill?" James asked worriedly, "Maybe you should go to Pomfrey's then. You do look a little pale."

"Nah," Sirius said, "I'll be better in a couple of hours. No need to worry Pomfrey. She'll have her hands full with Moony in a couple of days anyway. Why give the poor lady more work?"

"This has nothing to do with me, Padfoot," Remus said slowly, "If you're not feeling better by tonight, you have to go to Mme Pomfrey, alright?"

"Sure, mate," Sirius gave him a small smile and went back to his paper. They could hear him sigh from behind it. He was most likely rolling his eyes as well. James stared annoyed at the paper and Remus was certain that he was going to snap at Sirius. Both James and Sirius had been a little on edge lately.

"Don't, Prongs," Remus said softly, when his friend opened his mouth. James looked at him and closed his mouth again. If there was one thing that James found was irresponsible, it was not eating. He had seen what happened with people who didn't eat and didn't want to see it ever again. His cousin Katie had died of anorexia in the summer holiday of their third year. She had been living alone after she had graduated and had gotten stuck in a negative spiral. James had stayed with her for a week during that holiday. He had loved her, but he had never been more scared than that week. She looked awful and she didn't even come out of her bed. It was 'their little secret' she had whispered a couple of hours after he'd arrived, and then she'd winked. "You can keep a secret, right Jim?" She died at the end of their week together. It had been the most awful week of his life.

"Fine," James sighed, "Promise me you'll eat when you feel better, Pads."

"I promise," came from behind the paper. Sirius folded his Daily Prophet and looked James in the eye, "I'm not anorexic, Prongs, my stomach is just a little upset."

James nodded, but there was this funny feeling that was plaguing his mind. He couldn't put a finger on it, but he had this feeling that Sirius's stomach wasn't 'just a little upset'. He just hoped that Sirius wouldn't be the next Katie.

Sirius ate some toast later that day, so Remus wasn't so worried anymore and they didn't force him to go to the hospital wing. James forgot he'd been worried about Sirius's eating pattern, when they crossed Lily and she blamed him for her bad day. Apparently she had lost one of her favorite shoes and she 'just knew' that James had stolen it to annoy her. James didn't even know what shoe she was talking about.

"Why, Potter?" she asked angrily, "Why do you always have to pester me? What did I ever do to you?"

"Come on, Lily," Laura softly said, and she grabbed her hand, pulling her away from the Marauders.

"You made me fall in love with you," James answered Lily's question so softly that nobody could hear his answer but him. He shook his head and looked at his friends, "I need to get some book from the library. You guys can go ahead, I'll see you in the common room, okay?"

"You sure you don't want any company?" Remus asked. James shook his head.

"I'll live. I've never heard of library books eating students anyway," he grinned, "Pads, make sure to be ready for tonight's practice."

"Practice?" Sirius asked, puzzled.

"Quidditch?" came James's very annoyed answer, "Damn Pads, you should really learn our practicing schedule by heart."

"Yeah yeah," Sirius sighed, "I've got you to remember it for me, don't I?"

James gave Sirius a small glare – how on earth could he forget about Quidditch?! – and sighed, before he stalked off to the library. He had always thought that he knew Sirius almost as good as he knew himself, but lately, Sirius was becoming more and more like a mystery to him. He used to be able to predict what his friend was about to say, think or do, but nowadays, he couldn't anymore. He didn't know this Sirius. He wondered what could be wrong with him.

Maybe Sirius was in love. Sirius had never been in love before, but it sure as hell was a reasonable explanation as to why he was acting so bloody weird. Who could he be in love with? Sirius had never really had 'a type' before, so he couldn't tell which girls it certainly couldn't be. If it even was a girl… He tried remembering whether Sirius had dropped anything from which he could conclude that his friend was gay. Sirius had always been a little 'touchy'. He didn't mind lying with his head in someone's lap, not even if it was a boy. Maybe his friend was indeed gay. What if it was him Sirius was in love with. Or Remus. James gasped for breath as a very painful thought struck him: what if it was Lily Sirius was in love with? Or –

"Whoa fuck," he blurted as he walked into someone. Both he and the person he'd run into fell to the ground and they both started apologizing to each other. Then, they looked each other in the eye and burst out laughing.

"James!" Laura laughed and winked, "Idiot."

"Sorry," James grinned, "It's not like you weren't walking in my way."

"Oh so now it's my fault?" she asked, chuckling. James looked into her eyes and a thought struck him so suddenly that he gasped. He knew who Sirius was in love with. It was so obvious.

"Has Sirius spoken to you lately?" James asked her. The twinkle disappeared from her eyes and she shook her head.

"No," she softly answered, "He hasn't spoken to me in over a week. I asked Lily to ask you what I'd done wrong, but according to her you didn't know either."

"I don't, sorry," James said, "I've got to get going, Lau. See you in quidditch tonight?"

"Of course!" she sounded surprised. How could he possibly think she'd forget about quidditch?

They nodded goodbye and James entered the library. He was pretty certain it was Laura Sirius was in love with, but then again, they'd always been nothing more than friends, however the entire school thought differently. If he'd been in love with her, wouldn't he be talking the entire time to her? It wouldn't be suspicious to anyone in any way. Maybe he was afraid to be hurt. She did have a boyfriend whom she truly loved after all. Laura wasn't the kind of girl to be with a boy she didn't love. He'd always appreciated her honesty; she would never lie to someone like that.

Besides, if Sirius was in love with Laura, wouldn't he tell James? James and Sirius told each other everything – apart from the nightly adventures Sirius had had during summer holiday. They never kept a secret from each other. Especially not when it was a secret about girls. No, Sirius would have told James if he indeed was in love with Laura. It would be very possible for him to be in love with her – they'd make a beautiful couple – but James didn't believe anymore that Sirius was in love with her. Sirius probably wasn't in love with anyone. There had to be another explanation to his weird behavior.

Maybe he was lonely – how on earth could he be lonely with such terrific friends as the Marauders? – maybe he missed his family – yeah right, they wish – or maybe he was under a lot of stress – not that 'stress' was in Sirius's dictionary. There probably was no explanation to Sirius's weird behavior at all. It would be very like Sirius to act all weird without a reason. It wouldn't be a first, to say at least.

Soft voices interrupted his thinking, when he had gotten near to the forbidden section of the library. He wondered who was up to no good and was surprised to see Caroline sitting on a conjured chair – seriously, no one would place bright pink chairs in a library – facing Nina Sanders, the Ravenclaw prefect. They smiled timid smiles and Caroline looked kind of nervous. So did Nina actually, now that he thought of it. They softly giggled and they reminded him of the first years who'd giggle behind their hands when they saw him or Sirius strolling around the grounds, shirtless. A little less hysteric, perhaps.

Caroline took a deep breath and opened her mouth to say something – confess something? – when she saw James. She shrieked in terror and jumped up from her chair, looking from James to Nina and back. When the first fear seemed to be over, anger reached her eyes and she went very red.

"Potter!" she screamed, "I hate you! You ruined it all!"

Then, she turned around and walked away angrily, her long blond hair blowing in the wind. He looked at Nina for an explanation, but Nina seemed to be angry as well. Before she could yell at him, however, James decided that it was time for him to go. He disappeared behind a shelf of thick books on potions and could hear Nina's angry mutters behind his back. Then, he passed another book rack and all was silent again. He wondered what that had been all about. Where they planning on attacking him? Asking him out? Kidnapping him and blowing him until his brain would pop? He'd love to see Lily try the last one.

He pulled his book from the shelf and muttered lowly to himself how he hated his potion's essays. Who cared about the five ways of brewing Felix Felicis anyway? He was James Potter, he didn't need that shit. Luck was his middle name. However he had no luck at all with asking Lily on a date. Maybe he should just give up on her. Do as Sirius had always told him: move on and find a better girl. The only problem was that there was no better girl than Lily. She was the only one he would ever be willing to share his life with.

He sighed and pulled the book out of the rack. One more try, he promised himself, he'd try one more time to ask Lily on a date, and then he'd give up on her.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"There's our favorite quidditch captain!" Laura laughed as James walked into the changing room, "You hit any more ladies to the ground?"

"You hit a girl?" Marley Bien gasped in her squeaky voice.

"We bumped into each other," James explained with a smile, before anyone could start spreading rumors that the James Potter was no gentleman but a brute, "Where is Sirius?"

"He'll come," Laura assured him, "You know Sirius, he wouldn't even miss quidditch when death eaters were attacking the castle."

"I think he'd rather go kick some death eater asses, if that was the case," Marley giggled, as she tied her long brown hair in a ponytail. Her huge glasses, small and skinny fourth-year body and squeaky voice made her seem the most innocent girl you'd ever meet. But on the field, she was a beast and an amazing chaser as well.

"Probably," Laura grinned, "You can't take that boy from a fight."

"But apparently, you can take him from quidditch training," James said annoyed, "Where the bloody hell is he?"

"I'm sorry I'm late," came the answer from behind James, "I fell asleep and Moony had a hard time waking me up."

He did look as if he'd just woken up from a deep sleep. His hair was messy and there were dark shadows under his eyes. James gestured with his hand that he had to hurry up and took the rest of his team outside to start warming up. Sirius followed quickly and looked slightly more awake when he climbed on his broom.

"Okay!" James yelled, "This is how we're going to play: Laura you remain keeper. Marley and Collin form one team, Tessa and me the other, we all shoot at Laura. Sirius, you're our beater. Sam, you're Marley and Collin's."

"No seeker?" Collin asked.

"Does it look like he still needs to train?" smiled Tessa as a reply.

"No seeker," James confirmed. He grabbed the quaffle and threw it to Laura, who caught it easily. Then, he released the bludgers and got on his broom.

"On my sign!" he yelled and whistled long. Off they were.

Collin and Marley played well together, James noticed, and Tessa was amazing as well. He himself was not the best chaser they could get, but nonetheless they scored nearly as many goals as Collin and Marley did. Which was close to zero, as Laura was the best keeper they'd ever had. Sam was terrific well, but Sirius… Sirius was a bloody disaster today.

He wasn't focused and got his teammates in danger by that. He nearly hit Marley on her head with his bat, and had slammed into Sam once already.

"Sirius!" James yelled angrily as his friend accidently hit a bludger in his face, "Time out!"

He pressed his hands against his nose to stop the bleeding and was afraid his poor nose was swelling already. He was pretty certain that Sirius had broken it and moaned a little in pain as he saw all the blood on his hands.

"You okay?" Sam asked worriedly, "Maybe you should go to Pomfrey's?"

"Wait," Laura said gently, "I can easily fix your nose. Hands away."

James took his hands away from his face and watched Laura's wand as she pointed it to his nose. Then, his nose went warm and cold and the pain was gone. Laura smiled and so did he. She gave another wave at her hand, and James figured she'd cleaned his face as well.

"It doesn't work this way," James sighed, "Sirius, you need to concentrate. You're our star beater but today your work is shitty as hell. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong," Sirius said angrily, "I'm sorry we can't all be perfect."

"This has nothing to do with being perfect, Sirius," Laura said, "This has to do with you breaking James' nose and slamming into Sam and all. Where's the Sirius we know and love?"

"You don't know anything about me," Sirius snapped, "Just leave me alone."

He turned around and walked away, leaving his team astonished.

"Sirius!" James roared furiously, "Black! Get your ass back here! You can't just leave!"

"Watch me," Sirius howled back. James stood frozen for a second, before he grabbed his wand and ran after him.

"No! James, don't!" Collin yelled. He and Sam each grabbed one of James' arms and the three of them struggled. It lasted a couple of minutes before James gave in and sighed.

"Training is over," he grumbled. He broke free from Collin and Sam's grip and went for the changing room. He quickly changed and didn't wait for anybody else, before he left. Showering would have to wait until after dinner.

He needed to talk to Sirius, but he knew he had to calm down first. If he'd go see Sirius right now, there was a pretty big chance the two friends would get into a fight. They were the hotheaded Marauders. The ones that got into fights over very small things. And they were both extremely on edge.

He walked to the lake and watched over the water for a while. Water had always had a soothing effect on him. When he was younger, he'd run to the river nearby their house when he was angry. There, he'd play until he'd calmed down again. Years later, he still ran to water when he felt like hitting someone to the floor.

James sighed. Life sucked lately. Sirius and he were constantly fighting, he knew that Lily would never love him the way he loved her, he'd served three detentions last week and the quidditch match was going to be a disaster if they were about to play as they did right now.

Merlin, he needed a break. Vacation would come in really nice right now. He needed a break from school and his friends, and Mama Potter's homemade cookies would help him forget all the problems he had. Merlin, he was being a pussy, but he suddenly really missed his mother. Maybe he had to write her. But he had no quill and parchment right here, and he was still carrying his broom and quidditch clothes. So he had to go to their dorm.

Up there, he found Sirius fast asleep on his bed, still in his quidditch outfit. That pissed James off. It really truly did. He hadn't even bothered to change out of the holy clothes into normal ones. That was a sign of disrespect. Great disrespect.

He blow of rage hit him like white hot fire, and his veins burned with sudden hatred, as his heart sank into a black hole and died. He wanted to hit Sirius, hard. He wanted to break his nose and kick him in the ribs until he didn't move anymore. He wanted to make him beg for forgiveness.

He wanted to forgive him.

He wanted to tell him everything would be alright and he would be there for him. He didn't want to hurt him, he only wanted to hurt himself for thinking such awful thoughts. He wanted things to be like last year again. All fun and girls and pranks. Just the four of them. The Marauders together, forever. No arguments, no fights, no pain. Just them.

James grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. He sighed. Maybe writing his mother wasn't such a brilliant idea. What would he say? _Hi mom, Sirius and I are constantly fighting and it's starting to really piss me off. Love, James. PS: I'd love some of your cookies._

Yeah, that would be a really good letter. A masterpiece, really. His mother would only worry and send him a letter thicker than his transfiguration manual. Full of 'good advice' and semi-treatments that he had to make up with Sirius, or else…

"Hi Prongs!" a cheery voice interrupted his thoughts, "And hi Padfoot, who seems to be asleep. Again."

"Hi Wormy," James smiled, "Hi Moony."

"Whom are you writing?" Remus asked.

"My mother," James answered, "But I just decided against writing her when you guys came in… Ready for dinner?"

"Maybe you should shower first," Remus smiled.

"I stink?" James lifted his arm and smelled his armpit. He made a face, "Yup, I do. I'll make it a quick one, promise."

James did make it a quick shower. In fact, in 10 minutes, he was in and out and redressed. He'd even washed his hair and stolen some of Sirius' eau de cologne. Probably to impress Lily.

"Pads!" Remus yelled, "Wake up! Food!"

"Leave me alone," Sirius grunted in response and he tried to cover his head with his pillow.

"I can't have you skipping another meal, mate," Remus said.

"I'm not hungry, I'm just tired," Sirius muffled groan came, "Can't you let a guy sleep in peace?"

Remus and James looked at each other. Remus sighed and gave James a defeated look. James rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Come on, guys. The _normal_ people are going to grab some food."

"How was quidditch practice?" Remus asked on their way to the Great Hall.

"Disastrous," James grumbled, "Truly, I haven't seen such a bad training since our second year. Honest is honest, Travis sucked as a captain. Carine would have made a way better captain."

"It can't have been that bad," Remus said soothingly.

"No?" James looked to his right and yelled: "Collin, how was practice today?"

Collin looked up from the history of magic he was trying to explain to his girlfriend and answered: "No offense James, but it sucked. Bad."

"See?" James asked his friend. Remus smiled and shook his head sympathetically.

"I heard someone is not going to win the quidditch cup this year," came the most annoying voice ever invented from behind the Marauders.

"Shut up, Snivelly," James said annoyed, without even turning around. He was not in the mood.

"Why don't you make me?" Snape asked.

"Why don't you stick your head in a toilet and flush?" came James even more annoyed answer, "Bye, Snivellus."

James and Remus exchanged a look and laughed.


	8. Chapter 7

chapter 7

The next morning, James woke up earlier than usual. The other Marauders were all still fast asleep. Their deep, calm breathings had a very relaxing effect, so he didn't move for a few minutes, and laid in his bed, listening to his friends. Then, he became restless and decided that he didn't want to lie in his bed anymore.

He got up slowly and gathered his clothes, which were lying everywhere but on their place. He yawned, and stumbled into the bathroom, to get a long hot shower. He let the water run and searched for his grapefruit-shampooing. He smiled as he stepped in the rain of hot, clean water and shut everything out but the sound of running water. Nothing as relaxing as a nice shower.

When he got out, his friends were still sleeping like babies. Noisy, snoring babies. James took a look at his watch and saw it was near 6 in the morning. He decided to let his friends sleep for another hour or so, and grab some breakfast at the Great Hall alone.

The Great Hall was, as expected, nearly empty. There was a bunch of Ravenclaws, going over some schoolwork, three Slytherins, all eating alone, a handful of Huffelpuffs, talking quietly, and some Gryffindors, including Lily.

James suddenly had a megawatt smile on his face and walked up to her and Caroline, who was writing a long letter. Lily seemed to be giving her some directions every now and then.

"Look who's here," Caroline snarled when she saw him, "The great James Potter."

"Leave us alone, Potter," Lily sighed.

"Why are you up so early?" James asked, ignoring Lily's and Caroline's obvious tries to get him to leave.

"We're always up this early," Lily snapped and decided that ignoring him would maybe do the trick to get James to leave.

"Yuk," James laughed and he started filling his plate. Lily and Caroline glared at him and Caroline grabbed her letter and put it in her bag.

"So, Tannys, who's the love letter for?" James asked around a mouthful of food. Lily looked disgusted and Caroline shocked.

"L-love letter?" she spluttered, "Why would you thinks it's a love letter."

"If it had been a letter to your parents, you wouldn't have tried to hide it," James grinned.

"Well," Caroline snapped, "You're mistaken. It's a letter to… a friend of mine."

"Sure it is, Tannys," James said soothingly, "So, Evans, are you free tonight?"

"Ah!" Lily squealed, "Why don't you just leave us _the hell_ alone, Potter? How many times do you want me to tell you _I'm not interested_? _No_! I'm _not_ free for you tonight! And NO, I do _not_ want to go on _a bloody_ date with you! Geez, are you retarded, or what?"

James gulped and looked at the raging girl he'd love to marry one day. He thought of the promise he'd made to himself. One more time.

He sighed. He guessed she was really not interested in him, then. Goodbye, Lily Evans.

"Well," James said silently, realizing the weight of all the eyes in the Great Hall staring at them, "I guess I'll get going, then… Bye Evans… Tannys…"

He stood up and went to sit on the other end of the table. There, he dropped his face in his hands and stared at his food instead of eating it. He felt miserable. James closed his eyes. He felt like digging a hole and dying in there.

"Hi James," came a soft, high voice. James looked up to see Marley looking at him, "Care if I join you?"

He guessed she'd missed the spectacle. He shrugged. And smiled at her.

"Where are your friends?" she asked, grabbing some eggs.

"Asleep," James answered, "Yours?"

"Same," she said, "So… are they really asleep or did you hit Sirius into the hospital wing?"

James gasped and stared at Marley in shock, before he started laughing, "They're really asleep. Sirius was already asleep when I came in yesterday evening, so I didn't have a lot of chances to fight with him."

"Oh," Marley said.

"Yeah… Oh…" James answered. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Marley," James said, "It was fun talking to you, but I got to go wake the other Marauders."

"Sure!" Marley smiled, "Denise is walking in anyway, so no problem captain."

"Ciao!" James grinned. Marley was cool. A lot of people underestimated her. He probably would have as well, if they weren't on the team together. He walked to the Gryffindor common room and actually smiled. Marley was a good girl. She made him forget about Lily.

Lily…

Merlin, he had to stop thinking of her. He'd blown his last chance to ask her out, so he had to forget about her now. It would be so hard to forget about the one girl he actually loved. The one girl he wanted to share the rest of his life with. The one girl who had turned him down. Again.

"Prongs!" Remus' very pissed off voice sounded when he walked in, "Where the hell have you been? Your bed is empty, there's no note,... I was worried sick! … Merlin, my head aches…"

"Oh great," James softly groaned, "Is it that time of the month again?"

"Yes. It. Is," came the annoyed werewolf's answer.

"Great," James said again, and he went to wake up Sirius, whom looked about as happy as Remus did, before he disappeared into the bathroom for an hour or so.

"You weren't really worried, were you?" James asked, "You were just annoyed that things didn't go as you scheduled them, isn't it?"

"Shut up, Prongs," Remus said. He dropped on his bed and looked at his friends, "I feel horrible."

"I know, mate," James smiled, "One night, then you're over with it for another month."

"But after that one comes another and another and another and another and…"

"I get the point," James assured him. The two friends looked at each other and gave one another a small smile.

"You had breakfast yet?" Remus asked. James nodded, remembering the horrible empty feeling Lily had left inside of him: his heart ripped out and shredded in small pieces. And falling. Or more like being sucked into a pool of black water. Black water of pain and loneliness. Merlin, he felt like a loser.

"Yeah," he breathed, trying to put on a brave face and make Remus not notice the inner pain he was in. Life sucked when you were in love with a perfect girl. A perfect Head Girl even.

Shit.

Didn't the two of them have rounds tonight? He was pretty certain they did.

He went with his hand through his hair out of fear for tonight, and ran to the calendar he'd hung above his bed. Yep. They did have rounds _and _he had a full moon to attend. How could he have been so stupid as to let Lily plan rounds on the same evening as a full moon?

"-ongs? James?" Remus voice said.

"Huh?" James looked bewildered, having slightly forgotten his friends.

"I was asking if you came down with us," Remus repeated.

"I… No," James shook his head, "No, you guys go eat. I'll see you in DADA."

"Sure," Remus turned around and knocked on the bathroom door, "Padfoot, get your ass out of the shower, we're going down for breakfast."

Sirius grumbled something in response that Remus' ears caught but James' didn't.

"Five more minutes, maximum," Remus yelled back, "And then I break the door down and drag you to breakfast by your hair."

"What a nice mood he is in," Peter mumbled to James while walking past him to grab his shoes. James grinned. They all knew that Remus got terrible headaches when it was his time of the month. They also knew that those headaches got him in a terrible mood.

Sirius came out of the bathroom drama queen style. The door flew open and hit the wall with a loud crash, steam curled around his body – he liked his showers really hot – and he looked at his friends with an annoyed and haughty look that only Blacks could give you.

Then, he sighed and grinned. Three of the Marauders went down for breakfast, and the fourth one stayed behind, thinking over his last failure with Lily. Why couldn't she just love him? Why did she have to go and hurt him every time they saw each other? For once, he really wasn't looking forward to rounds.

Usually, he didn't really feel like doing rounds, but the prospective of being alone with Lily always made him kind of like it. Now, the prospective of being alone with Lily scared him. In fact, he never wanted to see her again, to be spared of the pain of being around her.

But he had no choice. If didn't meet her tonight, she'd not only kill him, she'd also tell McGonagall. And McGonagall would tell his parents. His parents would be so disappointed in him. They'd been so proud when he got his Head Boy's badge. He'd really seen them shine with proud, for the first time in years. Sure, they loved him and they didn't really mind all the trouble he got in. But they were never _really_ proud of him before. Now, they were. And he'd let them down if he didn't take his Head Boy responsibility.

James sighed and sat on his bed. He swallowed and sighed again. Then he looked up and stared through the window. Clouds ran by slowly and it promised to be a cold yet sunny day.

He grabbed a small, leather-bound book from under his bed and opened it. His sketchbook. On the first page, it had a drawing of Sirius and him in the train, on their way to Hogwarts 7 years ago. Further in the book, it had a lot of drawings of Lily.

He liked one in particular: Lily, sitting in the grass, picking at flowers while talking to Laura. Her hair was loose and blew in the wind. The sun lighted up her eyes and the lake behind her. They both looked relaxed and happy. He'd drawn them last June, without their knowing – of course.

"Oh Lily," he whispered, "How I wish I could just forget you."

He grabbed his pencil and started drawing the scene they'd made this morning.

* * *

Reviews are much loved and appreciated!


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Are you done eating?" James asked Peter and Sirius around six o'clock that evening. Peter grumbled a little, not liking to have to leave his food behind. Sirius shoved his half empty plate away and nodded.

"Come on," Sirius said. His voice was low and sounded very mature and male. It had that ring to it that made girls faint with 10 at the time. But James could see his friend's hands shaking. He was surprised, if he was honest. Sirius had always been the one who was the least afraid of Remus's monthly changes.

"You alright?" James whispered, as they walked out of the kitchen. Sirius cocked an eyebrow and watched him strangely.

"Why wouldn't I be alright?" he asked defensive. James bit his lips and shrugged. They stood in silence for a moment, eyeing each other.

"Are you coming?" Peter asked nervously. James and Sirius nodded, and followed their smallest friend out of the castle and to the Whomping Willow. There, they changed in their animal forms. The rat crawled to the Willow and prodded its bark. The tree stood silent and the stag, the dog and the rat could enter.

A horrible growl sounded through the corridor. James gulped and made a run for the sound. Sirius and Peter followed quickly.

Inside the Shrieking Shack, their fourth friend laid moaning in pain on the ground, seconds from being fully changed in a werewolf. His eyes looked unseeingly right through them and he growled and scratched himself. James gently pushed his hands away from his face with his antlers.

Then, Remus was no longer Remus, but a huge werewolf, looking hungrily at the three animals. Sirius bit him gently in his paw and led Remus to the door. Tonight was outdoors night. Locking a werewolf up in a shack was no fun after all.

They ran through the forest for hours. Playing, enjoying their freedom, not having to worry about things for once. Not having to worry about Lily.

Lily.

Shit.

James changed back into his human body and was relieved to see it was a couple of minutes before nine. Lily would kill him if he was late again. He looked up to his friends and met hungry, yellow eyes. _Food_, the eyes said. James opened his mouth in a silent scream, realizing he had no time to change into his stag form. The werewolf jumped and James closed his eyes, awaiting the final blow.

The final blow never came, of course. Something did hit him hard in the chest and he stumbled to the ground, but there were no razor sharp teeth and claws.

He opened his eyes and saw the shaggy dog biting the werewolf away from him. They fought and Sirius was able to get Remus away from James again. Peter bit Remus's ear and the werewolf's full attention was needed there. Sirius changed back as well.

"What the _bloody hell_ were you thinking?" Sirius yelled.

"I have rounds," James answered shakily. Sirius seriously looked as if he was going to punch James hard and good. But he didn't. He changed back into a dog and ran away from James, leaving him on the ground.

He wasn't able to get up at first. His knees were wobbly and his teeth chattered like mad. After a few tries, he got up and stumbled out of the woods. He brushed the dirt of his clothes before he entered the castle and walked up to Lily.

"Hi," he mumbled. His teeth still chattered and he still was shivering. He felt a bit feverish, but knew he was just scared. He always felt like this when something had really scared him.

Lily didn't even look at him, but stalked away. He lingered behind her, wanting to touch her beautiful hair. He brought his hands to his own hair in desperation, knowing he would never be allowed into Lily's perfect world.

The silence weighted heavily on his shoulders and on his heart. Should he say something? Or should he just shut up? He desperately wanted to say something, but he was afraid it would ruin her mood even more. She would just yell at him if he tried to make conversation.

He didn't know what was worse: her yelling at him or her saying nothing at all. If she yelled at him, at least she showed him that she knew he existed. Now he could have easily been invisible to her. She didn't acknowledge him whatsoever.

He looked at his watch. They'd only been walking for a couple of minutes. He felt that this was going to be one long night.

A little later, the sound of running footsteps sounded not too far from them. Lily stopped and listened and James tried to figure out where the sound came from exactly. Before he had the chance to decide where it came from, Lily was already running towards she thought it came from.

"Hey!" she yelled, when she spotted a rustling robe turning around a corner, "Hey! Stop!"

They both ran and James drew his wand. You never knew if it was a Slytherin. When they turned around the corner as well, they first saw no one. Lily was slightly panting and they both looked around fiercely. James felt anger radiating from Lily and was happy that for once, she was not angry with him but with someone else.

"Oi!" James yelled when he spotted two figures in the distance. When James and Lily ran towards them, they didn't run away, so they caught up with them easily.

"It's past nine," Lily said strictly, "You're not allowed to be out of your common rooms."

"We're very sorry," the girl squeaked. James sighed and slightly smiled. She somehow reminded him of himself and the Marauders when they were younger.

"What house are you in?" Lily asked and tried to see their badges.

"Gryffindor," the boy whispered. Lily gasped and James nearly snickered.

"It's not because you're in my house, that I won't punish you," Lily threatened, "I demand your names, right now. I will make sure that you both lose points and serve detention."

"Oh, come on, Evans," James interrupted, "They did nothing really wrong. Let them go with a warning or something."

"You!" Lily yelled at him, "Shut up! I will not have you undermining my position!"

"Just go," James told the first years, "Don't let us catch you in the hallways again."

"Potter!" Lily screamed frustrated, "What did you do that for? If that had been Slytherins, you wouldn't have thought twice about punishing them."

"True," James admitted, a little angry himself, "But they weren't. They were Gryffindors and you should be loyal to your house."

"Look who's speaking," Lily snorted, "The great Marauder who cost Gryffindor over 100 points at least."

"I think it comes closer to over 1000 points really," James grinned.

"Unbelievable," Lily cried, "You're proud of it! Merlin, just… just shut up! I don't want to hear a sound from you for the rest of the night! And I don't want to see you anymore either, so walk behind me and don't come any closer than two meters, understood?"

James nodded and stared at the floor. Seriously, was he being punished now for being loyal to his house? If she blamed him for losing so many points, then why did she want to deduct any more points from those first years? It didn't make much sense, did it?

He listened to Lily muttering under her breath, and he was certain he heard his name a few times. Usually combined with words like 'idiot' and 'fool'. He wondered if she'd been nice to him now if he hadn't told those kids to go. If he'd ran to McGonagall and blabbed. Probably not.

He wanted to hold her, tell her it wasn't such an awful thing he'd done and that she'd live. He wanted to laugh with her and to tell her all kind of stories of the adventures the Marauders had had in their first years. The adventures they still had, occasionally. Rounds could be so much fun, if only she'd let them be fun.

He checked his watch. It was nearing ten, so he guessed it was okay if he left her alone now. She'd live through another hour of rounds without him. It was not like she needed him anyway and he felt a lot more for being with his friends right now.

"Evans," James mumbled, wrapping an arm around his stomach, "I don't feel so well."

Lily looked over her shoulder and gave him an annoyed look. They were close to a gent's room, he could easily take this to the next step.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he fake choked and clamped his hand over his mouth, running to the bathroom. He locked the door of one of the stalls behind him and made retching sounds. If she came after him, it should sound real and convincing. He waited a moment and sighed. She didn't even bother to check on him.

He flushed the lavatory and came out the stall again. He washed his hands and threw some water in his face. He stared at himself in the mirror for a couple of seconds, and stumbled out of the bathroom. Lily looked at him for a second and turned her head.

"Do you mind if I go to bed?" he croaked. Lily made a gesture with her hand that James interpreted as 'whatever' and turned fully away from him. He dropped his eyes and shuffled away from her.

"Potter?" she asked, when he'd nearly turned around the corner, "Are you going to be alright or should I be afraid that you pass out somewhere in a deserted hallway?"

His heart skipped a couple of beats, happy that she cared at least a little for him and he gave her a reassuring smile. He wanted to give her a megawatt smile, but knew that that would be a little suspicious if he pretended to be ill.

"I'll live," he answered and turned around the corner. He sighed and kept his pace slow until he was certain that she couldn't hear him anymore. Then, he made a run for his friends.

* * *

Reviewers get soooooo much love (and the next chapter ^^)


	10. Chapter 9

chapter 9

Two weeks later, the scratches on the four Marauders were beginning to fade. They loved hanging out with their werewolf friend, but they sometimes wished he wasn't so violent. Sure, a few scratches were quite hot to the girl, but having half your face in bandages was an entirely different story.

"James?"

James opened his eyes and wondered how he could have fallen asleep in the kitchens. He also wondered where his friends had gone. Well, Sirius had gone to bed early as usual – the kid fell asleep even before dinner and they weren't able to wake him up with anything – but he thought Remus and Peter had come to the kitchens with him.

"James, do you hear me?"

James looked up and saw Laura looking at him worriedly. He smiled at her, and wondered why she looked so concerned.

"Yeah," he answered, "What's wrong?"

"You're asleep in the kitchens and it's past midnight already," she explained, "I thought you were ill or depressed or something."

He laughed and shook his head, "No need to worry, princess. I'm just tired… and worried," he added.

Laura grabbed a chair and sat in front of him. She stole one of the cupcakes he'd ordered from the house-elves and took a bite from it, while studying his face intently.

"What are you worried about?" she asked softly when she'd swallowed her bite.

"Sirius," James answered truthfully. She sighed and nodded comprehensively, yet looked at him questioningly. Her face was like an invitation to tell her all about what was bothering him. An invitation James accepted with both hands.

"I don't know what's wrong with him, Laura," James sighed, "He barely eats and when we try to force-feed him, he gets mad. He sleeps so much lately, it can't be healthy anymore! I think he sleeps over 20 hours every day. Can you imagine? Everywhere you see him, he's asleep."

"He hasn't talked to me in nearly a month," Laura added, "and every time he crosses my path, he either ignores me or glares at me."

"Yeah," James sighed, "He's a total jerk lately. All we do is fight, over every little thing. It's so annoying. No, _he_'s so annoying! He's my best friend and I would trust him with my life if I had to, but lately, I don't even want to come near him. I don't know what has gotten into him, but all he does is shout at us and complaint. He has terrible mood swings. And he takes awfully long showers, at least twice a day."

"What has that to do with anything?" Laura asked not understanding.

"I don't know, Lau…" James covered his face with his hands, "I just really want to help him, and he just won't let me, you know?"

"I know," Laura whispered, sounding depressed. They were silent for a moment and when James looked up at her, he noticed she was crying.

"Hey," he mumbled, taking her in his arms, "I'm sure everything will be okay. Don't cry, Laura."

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, while clinging to him and burying her face in his shoulder, "I'm being all pathetic and weak. I just miss him, James… I really really like him and now he won't talk to me anymore and I don't know what I've done wrong."

"You've done nothing wrong," James assured her and he stroke her back comfortingly, "And you're not at all being all pathetic and weak. I'm here for you, you know that."

"I know," she sniffled, "I'm sorry, James"

"Don't be," he whispered, "Really, don't be."

They sat in silence for a little longer, hugging each other. James heard Laura's sobs subdue but didn't let go of her. She'd push him away if she felt the need to.

"James?" she asked after a while. He hummed in response.

"How about we go back to the common room?" she asked, "It's quite late already."

"Sure," he answered. He let go of her and yawned. She softly giggled and yawned as well. James grabbed his stuff and said goodnight to his favorite house-elves, who'd felt like it was their duty to stay up until their guest left.

"It's been two weeks since you last asked Lily out for a date," Laura stated, "When are you going to ask her out again?"

"I'm not going to ask her out again," James mumbled.

"What?" she asked, sounding surprised, shocked even, "Why not? I thought you loved her?"

"I do," he said, sounding a bit strangled, "more than anything in the world. But she doesn't love me back."

"So you just give up on her?"

"I guess…" he sighed.

"James," Laura said sincerely, "You have to fight for your love."

"I don't see you fighting for Sirius' love," James stated bitterly.

"I'm not in love with Sirius," she laughed, "I'm in love with Chris, you know that."

"Yeah, yeah…" he grinned.

"Seriously, you can't just give up because she's not interested. You just have to fight harder," Laura said, "You don't see Caroline giving up on Nina either, do you?"

"What?" James asked.

"Oh, Merlin…" Laura covered her mouth with her hands and stared at James in shock, "I shouldn't have told you that. You were not supposed to know. No one was."

"Tannys is in love with Ravenclaw Nina Sanders?" James asked flabbergasted.

"Yes. You have a problem with that?" Laura asked defensively.

"No…" James shook his head, "No, not at all. It's just that… I should have seen this coming. I kind of caught them in the library two weeks ago. Of course they seemed nervous. Shit… I ruined it all for her, didn't I? No wonder she hates me."

"She doesn't hate you, James," Laura laughed, "She's just a bit jealous. You and Sirius get all the hot girls in school. That's quite hard for a lesbian, you know. Every time you fall in love, the girl is in love with you or Sirius. I would be jealous too if I were her."

"Oh…" James mumbled, a bit embarrassed.

"And I don't think you ruined it all for them, since, last time I checked, things were going quite smoothly between the two of them," Laura smiled, "I give them one more week at most, and then they're together."

"You do that kind of stuff?" James asked surprised.

"What kind of stuff?" Laura answered equally surprised.

"Setting dates on someone else's relationship," he explained.

"Sure," Laura smiled, "Why not?"

"How long do you think until Lily and I…?" James asked carefully.

"Oh no, James," Laura shook her head, "You and Lily go way back. I'm not putting dates on you two, 'cause I'm not even sure the two of you will ever be together. No offense."

"None taken," James sighed, a little depressed.

"Mouse tail," Laura said, next to him.

"What?" he asked, thinking he hadn't heard right.

"That's the password, silly," she grinned, "We're here."

"Oh…" James grinned as well, "Right."

He let her climb in first and followed shortly. They paused a minute in front of the doors that leaded to the stairs to the dormitories and smiled at each other.

"I had a nice talk," Laura said.

"Me too," James confirmed, "Why were you looking for me, actually?"

"Looking for you?" Laura laughed, "I wasn't. I was looking for food, 'cause I was hungry."

"Oh," James laughed too, "How come you know where the kitchens are?"

"Sirius showed me in our second year," Laura smiled and gave him a quick hug, "Now, sleep tight. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"Great," James groaned, "Only a couple of hours of sleep left… See you later, Lau."

They parted and James dove into his bed, without bothering to take of his clothes. They were wrinkled already anyway. He sighed and fell asleep.

He woke up a couple of hours later by someone shaking him. He moaned in annoyance and tried to push his attacker away without having to open his eyes. It couldn't be morning already. It felt as if it were still in the middle of the night. But he realized it couldn't be the middle of the night, 'cause he'd had a nice talk to Laura back then.

"What?" he groaned.

"Welcome to the land of living," Remus said, "I'm glad you've decided to wake up. We couldn't wake you up in the kitchens, so we just let you sleep. How did you get here?"

"Laura," James mumbled and hid his face under his pillow.

"Aha," Remus said, "So you're chasing her now?"

"I ain't chasing no one, Moony," James answered annoyed.

"Not even your 'Lilyflower'?" Remus asked mockingly.

James did open his eyes now. He pushed away the pillow and looked at his favorite werewolf. He thought over the conversation he and Laura had had and shook his head. This time, she was wrong.

"No, Moony," he sighed, "Not even Evans."

* * *

Support a writer, donate a review :D Just kidding, although I do really love and appreciate reviews :)


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

A couple of days later, James woke up with a plan. Not a plan to win over Lily's heart, for once, but a plan to make things right with Caroline. He didn't hate her and he felt sorry for her that she was jealous of him. He especially felt sorry for her, when he thought of all the possible girlfriends she could have had. All the girlfriends that fawned over the Marauders.

Remus was awake and reading on his bed. Peter still lay snoring and Sirius had invaded the bathroom again. James decided he'd shower later and that he even had more important things in his mind right now than breakfast. He was about to make two girls really happy. And it would be a completely selfless thing to do.

James grabbed some clothes and ran down the stairs. He crossed Laura and Caroline in the common room and briefly smiled at them. Laura waved and Caroline glared at him. Then, he sped through the portrait hole and down the castle to the Great Hall.

It was quite crowded already, so it was a pain in the ass to find the right girl. He checked the Ravenclaw table triple, and was pretty certain she wasn't there, when he suddenly spotted her. He ran up to her and lightly tapped her shoulder. Several female students gasped in delight when they saw him, but he ignored him.

"What is it, Potter?" Nina Sanders asked in a nice tone.

"I need to talk to you," James said, "Alone."

Nina shrugged and grabbed her stuff. She was a chubby girl, but not ugly. She had a pretty face and brown hair that curled down her shoulders. She had soft eyes and a kind smile. He could see why Caroline liked her.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, a little concerned.

James shook his head, "In contrary."

Nina didn't seem to understand, but followed James nonetheless. He lead her into the library and gave her the first book his hand reached.

"Potions?" asked Nina confused, "What's going on?"

"I…" James thought of a good and convincing lie, "I need your help with it. I know you're really good at it, and I really suck. And… you see… it's kind of embarrassing to ask my friends to explain. So I hoped you wanted to go over some things with me?"

Nina softly laughed, "Of course, silly. You didn't need to kidnap me to get you to explain potions."

"Sorry," James grinned, "I'll quickly go get my stuff. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Sure," Nina said. James turned away from her and ran back to the Gryffindor common room. Lily, Laura and Caroline were sitting around a table, going over some long letter Caroline was writing. Probably a love letter to Nina. He found it very kind of Laura and Lily that they tried to help her.

"Tannys," James was a little out of breath from all the running, "Can you come with me for a moment?"

"Why?" Caroline asked suspicious.

"It's kind of important," James urged. Caroline looked at Laura and Lily. The two of them looked at each other and both shrugged. It wouldn't hurt to listen.

"Yeah?" she asked, when they were far enough from Lily and Laura.

"Can you help me with my potions?" James blurted out, "I really suck and I know you're quite good at it."

"Why me?" she asked, scanning his face, "Why not Lily or Peter? They are way better in potions than I am."

"I know," James smiled, "But asking Peter is kind of embarrassing and Lily doesn't really like me."

"What makes you think I like you?" she asked, poison in her voice.

"You're too kind to hate anyone, Caroline," James answered softly, using her first name on purpose to win her over to his side.

"Well…" she hesitated, "Fine…"

"Thank you so much!" James nearly threw his arms around the smaller girl, "Can you go ahead to the Potions racks in the library? I'll go get the stuff I need some help with and I'll meet you there, okay?"

"Sure…" Caroline slightly smiled and James ran up to his dorm. Not to get his potions books of course, but to get his friends so they could go get some breakfast before classes would start. He felt really pleased with himself that his setup had gone so easily.

"My dearest Marauders," James yelled when he threw open the door. Remus looked up from his book with a slightly annoyed look on his face and Peter left his search for clean underwear for what it was for a moment. James could hear water running in the bathroom, so he guessed Sirius was still showering.

"Are you ready for breakfast?" he asked sweetly. Remus laughed and nodded. Peter asked for five more minutes. James ran over to the bathroom door and knocked on it loudly.

"What now?" Sirius' very annoyed voice came through the door.

"Breakfast," James answered in a singsong voice, "You come?"

"No," Sirius answered, "Not yet. Go on without me, I'll be there in half an hour."

"We don't have half an hour left before classes start," Remus yelled. They could hear Sirius sigh.

"Fine," he yelled back, "I'll come in 20 minutes. Happy now?"

"Very," James grinned. He grabbed his other two friends by their arms and dragged them down the castle towards the Great Hall. It had been long since he'd last felt so happy. Remus noticed the happy bubble around his friend, but just smiled. James had been really stressed lately, with their first quidditch match coming up, sadness over Lily and worries about Sirius.

20 minutes later, Sirius indeed came down and he even ate some breakfast. He ate some toast and yoghurt, and drank some water. James was very pleased that his best friend at least ate something. They didn't spend their morning joking around, as they used to. But Sirius didn't have any outbursts either and classes went by easily. Boring, but easily.

Around lunch, Caroline walked into the Great Hall, looking about as happy as James had done that morning. She had a little hop in her steps and jumped hysterically up and down when she neared Lily and Laura (and the Marauders, who didn't sit too far from the two girls)

"Caro!" Lily yelled, "Where have you been? What happened? Did Potter do something to you? I haven't seen you all morning. _You skipped three classes!_"

James grinned widely and the other three Marauders looked at him questioningly.

"Potter didn't do anything!" Caroline beamed, "Or wait… he did a lot of things… but nothing bad, this time!"

Caroline waved her hand at her two friends and ran over to the four boys. She squealed happily and threw her arms around James' neck. James patted it lightly, a little flabbergasted.

"Thank you, so much," Caroline whispered, "I just needed that last push in the right direction."

"You're welcome," James smiled.

"However…" Caroline suddenly became serious and a little pissed off again, "Who told you?"

Laura went beet red behind Caroline's back, but the shorter girl didn't notice. James gave her his most surprised, shocked and hurt look he could and said proudly: "No one. It was quite obvious really."

"Really?" Caroline asked, going a little red, "Okay then… Thank you, Potter. It was really kind of you."

"I know," James grinned. They looked at each other and laughed. For the first time in years, Caroline didn't look angrily at him.

"Caroline," Laura whined, "What happened? What did James do?"

Nina Sanders entered the Great Hall as well and Caroline gave another high squeak. Nina ran up to her and grabbed her hand. They looked each other lovingly in the eye and Caroline face Laura and Lily again.

"This is what he did," she answered softly and purred in Nina's neck. Laura and Lily gave high pitched screams and those whose attention wasn't yet on them, now were watching as well. Lily and Laura dove on their dark haired friend and hugged her tightly. Caroline was laughing and Laura looked at James from under Lily's hair. They smiled at each other.

Later that day, when they were out on the quidditch pitch, Laura thanked him for not telling on her. James just shrugged and smiled and urged his teammates to hurry, because they seriously needed to start training. Their first game was coming up in less than two weeks, and James felt that they weren't ready yet. They were good – very good – but not perfect yet.

"Where on earth is Sirius?" James yelled. Every training, these past few weeks, Sirius would burst in right before they went out on the pitch and tell them he'd fallen asleep. But now, his first teammates had already left the dressing room and there was no Sirius to be seen.

They were already training for half an hour, when Sam yelled that Sirius was standing on the grass beneath them. James looked down and saw his friend, but also noticed that he hadn't changed into his quidditch outfit yet. He sighed and flew down.

"We need to talk," was the first – and so far only – thing Sirius said when James had landed.

"We sure do," James answered pissed off, "Why are you so late? And why aren't you redressed yet?"

"I'm quitting," Sirius blurted out. James went very silent for a couple of seconds and thought he hadn't properly heard his friend.

"What?" he asked softly.

"I'm done with quidditch, so I'm quitting," Sirius said, "I'm no longer your beater. You better start looking for someone else."

"I…" James felt panic rise in his chest, "You can't just quit, Sirius. It's less than two weeks until our first match. You know how important the first game of the season is."

"So you're saying that I can't quit?" Sirius asked annoyed, "Watch me."

Sirius turned around and left the pitch. James wanted to call after his friend but couldn't find his voice. This couldn't be happening. This was impossible. Sirius loved quidditch more than anything in the world. Why would he be quitting?

This _was_ happening…

James felt as if he couldn't breathe. It was as if the air he breathed in, didn't reach his longs, but just vanished on its way there. He gasped for short breaths, but even the small bubbles didn't pass the blockade in his windpipe. He shook all over his body and was suddenly on his knees as dizziness took over. He panicked, thinking he was dying.

People were surrounding him all of the sudden, shaking him and yelling his name. Someone yelled to give him some space and someone else clamped a paper bag over his mouth. He had no idea where that bag had suddenly come from, but he guessed that someone had conjured it.

After an eternity, he slowly started to feel slightly better. He noticed it was Laura who was holding the bag (who else?) and that the rest of his teammates were looking at him worriedly. Very worriedly.

"Should we bring him to the hospital wing?" Marley asked.

"James?" Sam called his name and James turned slightly to look at him, "What happened?"

"Sirius just quitted quidditch," James whispered and he closed his eyes to block out all the negativity.

* * *

I finished the story while I was on holiday so yay ^^

Okay, reviewers get chapters, so if you want to know how it continues... :p I'm mean ^^


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

James' teammates had brought him to the hospital wing, where Madame Pomfrey had given him some pepper up potion. James didn't need pepper up potion. He needed Sirius back as a beater.

He didn't understand why his friend wouldn't play quidditch anymore. Sure, they'd had a lot of fights lately and Sirius seemed to have lost the thrill of quidditch, but that still was no reason to abandon your team less than two weeks before their first game. They'd lose without Sirius. Sirius _knew_ how important the first game of the season was. He didn't understand.

"Prongs!" Remus and Peter entered the hospital wing and went straight to his bed, "Are you alright? Laura told me what happened. When can you leave?"

"I'm fine," James answered, "I should be able to leave in a couple of minutes, after Pomfrey checked me one more time. Have you guys seen Sirius?"

Remus and Peter shook their heads and looked at James so worriedly, that James felt as if they were standing at his deathbed. He'd been in the hospital wing before. At least five times every year even. He didn't see why they'd make such a big fuss out of it. He'd had a panic attack over Sirius quitting the team. It was not like he had some scary disease.

"Alright, James," Madame Pomfrey said as she hang over him and felt his wrist, "How do you feel?"

"Fine," James answered truthfully. He knew it was no use lying to her, she'd always seen right through their lies of being ill, so they could miss class. She nodded and placed her hand on his head to feel his temperature. She did a few other odd things – like shining in his eyes with the light of her wand – and then said he could leave and could always come back to ask some more pepper up potion if he felt the need to. He thanked her and followed his friends out.

"So…" Peter asked carefully, "Padfoot quitted the team, huh?"

James sighed and Remus stomped him in the ribs.

"I don't know what has gotten into him," James sighed, "But I do know that he has to snap out of it quickly, 'cause it's not healthy what he's doing."

"Maybe you should talk to him," Remus said," He's always cared a lot about your opinion. Maybe if you talk to him and find out what's wrong with him, we can help him."

James knew Remus was right, but he had no idea as to how he had to do this. Sirius would probably just get angry and he didn't think his friend would come back to the team anyway. It was sad, but true. When Sirius made a decision, he stuck with it. Usually.

When the three friends walked into the common room, everyone fell silent and stared at them. He guessed it had travelled fast that he'd had a panic attack on the field. However, James thought defensively, it was not like he was the first guy ever to panic. He had the full right to do so and if anyone else thought differently about it, he'd glare at them until they felt the same way he did about it.

Laura ran up to them and fell in his arms without saying much. She hugged him tight and for a moment he thought she was crying again. She took quidditch very serious after all. Even Caroline walked up to them and patted him lightly on the back. Lily watched them from the chair she was in and seemed to be in deep thoughts.

"What are we going to do now, James?" Laura asked in a miserable tone, "We can never win this game without him. And we can't lose the quidditch cup to Slytherin. Not in our last year."

"I know," James answered. He turned away from her and climbed the stairs to their dorm. Sirius was sleeping on his bed. James thought about waking him and having their necessary talk now, but changed his mind when he had a closer look to his friend. He looked absolutely and truly awful. His clothes were crooked, his hair slightly broken from washing it two times a day, he was pale and skinny and he had scary dark circles around his eyes. Like a panda bear. A very sad and lonely panda bear.

Could unanswered love do this to a person? Or was it something entirely else that was going on? Did Sirius maybe have some curious and rare (but deadly) disease? Was he truly anorexic like Katie? Had his parents done this to him?

Had Sirius been raped?

He didn't know why the thought occurred to him, but in a way, it felt right. Did Sirius feel dirty and unworthy? Had that person broken down Sirius' self esteem completely? Was Sirius being forced to quit quidditch?

James didn't know what to think anymore, but he knew that he desperately needed to talk to his friend. He had to get some answers so he could think of solutions to Sirius' problems. He wanted to help him get through whatever rough period Sirius was going through. But he needed to be let in into Sirius' world. He needed Sirius to let James help him. And knowing Sirius' stubbornness, that could become a problem. Sirius was way too pride to let someone help him.

James sighed and got into bed. He was tired and angry and confused and worried and a lot of other emotions he couldn't name as well. He wanted to wake Sirius up and talk to him, but on the other hand, he wanted this talk never to come. Angry Sirius was quite scary.

He got up again as he realized he was still in his quidditch outfit. He took his clothes off, took his pajamas and ran to the bathroom. The shower was nice and hot and relaxed his tense muscles. He clenched his fist and smashed it into the wall. His life was a mess. Sirius' life was probably an even bigger mess. But that didn't help that he felt sorry for himself.

James grabbed his wand and fixed his knuckles, that laid open and were bleeding from their collision with the bathroom wall. If Remus saw his fist like that, he'd send him back to the hospital wing right away. He didn't need someone fussing over him. He needed someone fussing over Sirius.

He dried his body and hair and got dressed for bed. He quickly brushed his teeth and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked slightly pale and very tired. The two probably had a lot to do with each other.

When James got back in his bed, he crawled under his covers and wanted to world to go away. He wanted to fall into blissful dreamless sleep. Even Lily-dreams wouldn't sheer him up this time. They'd just make him realize what he'd lost with his stupid behavior. He wasn't proud of himself.

But James couldn't sleep. He laid awake for hours and heard Remus and Peter go to bed and fall asleep. He listened to his friends' deep breaths and really wanted sleep to come. But the more he wanted sleep to come, the more awake he felt.

When it was around two in the morning, James was sick and tired of waiting for sleep. He got up and tiptoed down the stairs to the deserted common room. The fire was out already and everyone was sleeping peacefully in their cozy bed.

James plunged himself in the sofa that faced the fire and stared at the ashes. He didn't know when exactly, but after a few minutes, he was fast asleep.

He woke up to soft voices and checked his watch. Six AM. He closed his eyes again and wished for the voices to shut up. They did, after a little while and James fell back asleep.

He woke back up and hour later to different voices, that wouldn't go away. He opened his eyes and slowly got up from his lying position to a sitting one. First, he saw no one, but then, he noticed Lily, Laura and Caroline fussing over something. They had their backs to him, so he could watch them without being seen himself.

James tried to hear what they were saying, but they were talking to softly. He didn't like that. Maybe they were talking about him or any of his friends. Maybe this was some really juicy gossip that he really needed to hear. Maybe they were discussing ways to get Sirius back into the team.

He guessed that it was none of the above when Lily softly cursed and dropped a book that read 'Transfigury' and something else he couldn't read because she was too quick picking up her book. She froze before she laid the book back on the table though, and turned around slowly towards him.

"Potter!" she shrieked, "Are you spying on us?"

"No," he answered, "I fell asleep on the couch and you woke me up."

"Oh…" Lily said. She looked at him for a few seconds and turned back to the table.

"Sirius…" Laura asked. James shook his head. She sighed and covered her face with her hands for a second. Then, she turned back to the table as well and went back to whatever she was doing before James interrupted.

James climbed the stairs to his dorm and was just in time to see Remus coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. Peter was already dressed and back asleep. Sirius was still asleep.

"I'll talk to Sirius," James said. Remus nodded and got quickly dressed. He woke Peter up and the two of them went down for breakfast. James was left alone with his best friend. Or at least, someone who used to be his best friend.

He walked up to Sirius' bed and shook him gently. Sirius groaned, but didn't wake up. James shook him a little harder. Sirius opened his eyes this time and glared at him. His eyes quickly shot to the bathroom and he started getting up.

"We need to talk," James said.

"I don't want to talk," Sirius answered bluntly.

"Then, at least listen to what I have to say," James answered him back. Sirius gave a little nod with his head.

"We're worried about you Sirius," James started, "You've been acting weird ever since we got back to Hogwarts. At first, we could still ignore it, but now it's getting out of hand. Tell me what's going on, I want to help you."

"You can't," Sirius snapped, "Leave me alone."

"No, Sirius," James shook his head, "I'm your friend, you can trust me."

"Correction," Sirius said with a lot of poison in his voice, "You _were_ my friend. I could come up with a lot of excuses as to why it is better that we don't interact anymore, but as a matter of fact, I just don't want to know you anymore. I don't want to talk to you anymore – ever – and I don't want to be around you anymore either. The Marauders was a lame invention of lame and stupid kids. I'm over with it and I'm over with you. So, let me get my shower and don't talk to me anymore."

Sirius got up and wanted to walk away from his former friend, but James grabbed his hand. Sirius glared at James and James looked back sadly.

"Padfoot…" James started.

"Padfoot is dead," Sirius interrupted, "And I was serious about leaving me alone."

When James didn't let go of his hand, Sirius threw his other fist towards his used-to-be best friend. James' quick reflexes kicked in and he could stop the fist before it caused any damage, but Sirius had taken the chance to free his other hand and stamped away from his very shocked friend.

James heard the bathroom door fall into its lock and knew Sirius was right. The Marauders were over.

* * *

Yay, another chapter!

The more you review, the sooner a new chapter will be up. And since I'm leaving the country for a week in two days, I suggest you review soon :)


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

James felt miserable for the rest of the week. Every time Sirius was in the same room as them, Sirius pretended they weren't there or turned away his head. He also started drinking at some point and he wouldn't sleep in the same room as them anymore. Where he slept exactly, was a mystery to the boys, but James guessed he slept in the Room or Requirement.

He didn't go to classes anymore either. James only knew Sirius was drinking was because every time he crossed him, he was carrying a bottle of firewhiskey. He guessed Sirius snuck out to Hogsmead. Maybe he even stayed there to sleep. Rosmerta wouldn't mind if he stayed over. The two of them got along quite well. Or maybe Sirius was being an ass to her as much as he was being an ass to his friends.

James trained his team, but with one beater missing, the case was hopeless. He tried to train a friend of Sam's, but he wasn't half as good as Sirius was. James started taking particularly long showers as well and tried to drown the feeling of having failed. He'd failed with Sirius as a friend, and with his team as a captain. He'd failed with Lily and with Potions and with all the things he ever started with. He was a failure.

James had tried to have another talk with Sirius. Three times even. He'd wanted to tell Sirius he was sorry and just wanted to help him. That he missed him terribly and that he needed him. He wanted things to go back to normal. But every time James tried to talk to Sirius. Sirius turned his head and walked away. He didn't even speak to James anymore to tell him to back off.

Remus had tried to tell James that it wasn't his fault, but he didn't want to listen. He felt like it _was _ his fault. He'd scared Sirius away and it was his fault that he wouldn't talk to them anymore. It was his fault that Peter suffered under the loss of Sirius.

Snape seemed to like the fact that the Marauders had broken up. He had the idea they were vulnerable now, which they maybe were. He hexed them every time their pads crossed. He called them names and laughed at them. James didn't even have the energy to do something bad.

The good thing was, that Lily had yelled at Snape after he'd hexed Remus and James from behind. She'd called him a coward and other names. But he thought that 'coward' was the word that had offended Snape the most. Remus and James had stood by and watched the show, but it didn't make James _really_ happy. He'd lost his friend, his brother even. He didn't think he could ever be truly happy again.

Tessa had cried on their last quidditch training. She'd yelled that it was no use and that they should just give up. They missed a member of the quidditch family and they all felt incomplete. Collin had been really kind and had held Tessa until she felt better. James felt the same way Tessa did, but he'd shouted at them to keep training. The match was in four days and if they trained really really hard, they might have a very small chance to win. As long as he caught the Snitch in time.

Now, the match was in three days and although they still had an amazing Keeper, three marvelous Chasers, a great Beater and him, not a too lousy Seeker, he still felt like they were going to lose. The players' mood was down and he knew that would be their undoing_._ He knew it, but he was too depressed to do something about it. Or maybe he wasn't really depressed. Just sad and lonely because Sirius wouldn't talk to him anymore.

But today was a new day, and although he didn't feel like getting out of bed, he was hungry and had to face today's classes. He had breakfast in silence with his fellow Marauders. Remus said something about You Know Who that was in the Daily Prophet. James didn't hear any familiar names, so he forgot about it the moment Remus stopped talking.

Classes were hard and for once, not that boring. He really tried to pay attention in Potions, but without Sirius to partner up with him, he screwed up. Slughorn shook his head and went to praise Lily. Defense was his best class, even with Marble, but there was no fun whatsoever without Sirius.

They talked a bit during dinner, but not that much. Caroline and Nina seemed very happy around each other and Lily was totally into it. Laura looked about as depressed as James and the rest of the team. Marley even shouted at someone. She immediately apologized, of course, but she'd shouted. Something she never did. Ever.

"Good luck with rounds," Remus said later that evening. James hadn't really spoken to Lily in a long time. The good thing was that they didn't fight during rounds when neither of them spoke. The bad thing was, that James had time to think and the more he thought, the lonelier and sadder he felt.

"Thanks," he murmured. He went down to their meeting point as slowly as he could. It was not that he minded being around Lily, but he wasn't looking forward to it either. Another silent night, filled with angry and worried thoughts. For once, he wanted that Laura had become Head Girl. Laura wouldn't let him suffer alone.

He knew he was a couple of minutes late when he arrived at the doors of the Great Hall. He expected Lily to yell at him, but she didn't. She just looked at him for a couple of seconds. Then, she sighed and shook her head. James ignored it all. What could he say anyway?

He followed her at a little distance, as he'd done since her two-meters-distance-rule. Didn't that show how much he respected her? He even listened to the silly rules she made up. He did it all to make her happy, but she just wouldn't notice.

They'd swept the first completely and half of the second floor, when Lily came to a halt and stared into the corridor. James scanned the area she was staring at, but didn't see anything suspicious. He shook his head to clear his mind and looked closer.

Nope, all he could see were candles and armors. Nothing suspicious whatsoever. He didn't hear running feet nor hushed voices nor quiet giggles. All he heard was Lily's breathing and his heart beating in his ears.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You are," she answered, not turning around to face him. Great. There they went again. What did he do now to piss her off? He hadn't said anything, hadn't come close to her, nothing… he'd done nothing at all to upset her. He sighed.

"You're so depressed, Potter," Lily said softly.

"I'm not depressed," James answered. Or was he? He had had happy moments since Sirius had left them. He'd felt happy when Marble had tripped and when there was pudding for dessert, without him expecting it. He'd had happy dreams full of sunshine and flowers and Sirius and Lily and he'd felt happy when Remus and he had gone over some silly book he'd found. See, he wasn't depressed.

"Okay," Lily said slowly, "But you're not happy either."

James sighed again and shook his head. Then, he realized she couldn't see that when she was standing with her back towards him, "That's true."

"Why?" she still didn't turn around. Was she angry? She didn't sound angry. Was she going to use the information against him? That wouldn't be a very Lily-ish thing to do.

"Because I'm worried about Sirius," he answered truthfully, "And because I'm sad because he won't talk to me anymore. And because…" His voice broke off as he decided against saying the next thing.

"Because?" came Lily's soft question.

"Because we're going to lose our quidditch match," James lied. He'd wanted to say 'Because I like you and you don't like me back'.

"Oh…" she mumbled, "Laura's been worrying about that too. I don't know what to say to that."

"You can't say anything at all," James whispered, "If only Sirius would come to his senses…"

"He will," Lily said and she sounded very sure of herself, "He will realize he misses you too. And then, he'll come back."

"But not in time," James breathed.

"No…" Lily shook her head, "Maybe not in time. I'm sorry about that."

"It's not your fault," James said. Then, they both shut up and Lily started walking again.

"Do you hate me?" James asked on the fourth floor. Lily shook her head, but didn't say anything. They walked on in silence. Lily didn't hate him. That was quite a leap forward. Maybe she'd once like him.

No… He shouldn't hope such things. They'd only make him sad and lonely.

"I you had to chose between me and Snivelly," James asked on the top floor, "Would you still pick him?"

Lily didn't answer to that, just shrugged. His hopes went down again. If someone placed Snape on the same level as him, there was no hope for him. Snape was the slimiest git he'd ever met and he couldn't picture any girl liking him.

Except for Lily of course, who'd been quite close to him in their first five years. Their friendship had slowly subdued at some point, but James could easily see that Snape was in love with his Lilyflower. He had the same lovesick look on his face that James saw every morning in the mirror.

They stopped again in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Lily turned towards him and looked him in the eye. James heart skipped a few beats, when he saw those beautiful eyes looking at him.

"James," Lily softly asking, "What can I do to make it better?"

"I don't think there is anything you can do," James answered equally as soft, "Why?"

"Because I hate seeing you sad," she whispered. James was surprised. Since when did she hate seeing him sad?

"Why?" he asked again.

Lily came slowly closer and mumbled "This is why" before she planted her soft and beautiful red lips on his. Very gently, she kissed him and fireworks went off in James' head. He just wanted to throw his arms around her and pull her closer, when she stepped back again. She was blushing slightly.

"I… You…" James stammered, probably way redder than she was, "Since when do you like me?"

"Oh…" Lily smiled and looked away from him, "Since last June. But I had quite a hard time admitting it to myself. I only fully realized how much I actually like you a few weeks ago. But I thought you didn't really like me. I thought you just asked me out to annoy me, you know? That it was all a game to you."

"It has never been a game to me," James breathed. Lily softly laughed and gave him another quick kiss, before announcing that she had to go. There was a library book she'd forgotten to pick up and apparently she really needed it.

James stared after her for a few seconds as she walked away and then said the password. As the portrait hole swung open and Lily was about to turn around the corner, she turned around again to face him.

"James," she asked, "I would love to go out with you."

Then, she turned around the corner and he couldn't see her anymore. James grinned and climbed through the portrait hole. He walked into the common room, still feeling her lips on his, when he saw Sirius. He sat on the couch with his hands clutched between his knees, staring miserably into the fire. James sighed. This couldn't go on like this.

"How much did you drink, Padfoot?" he asked, wishing his friend wouldn't ignore him and hoping he wouldn't have to carry his friend up the stairs. Sirius turned to look at him, his eyes bloodshot and dark circles around him.

"Not a single drop, Prongs," he answered in a broken tone. Then, he burst out crying.

* * *

Tadatataaaaah :) we're almost there, so hang on!

I guess that after all these chapters you've gotten the hint: I love reviews ^^


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

James stared at his crying friend shocked and flabbergasted. Then, he came to his senses and yelled at all the remaining students that they had to leave the common room, or he'd give them detention personally. The younger students looked curiously at Hogwarts' heroes before James pointed his wand towards them and they ran up the stairs.

James sat down next to Sirius and didn't know whether to hug and comfort him, or just stare at him. He chose the latter, thinking that Sirius wouldn't really like James hugging him. Especially not after all the things he'd gone through these past few weeks.

"Talk to me," James said. Sirius closed his eyes and tears fell down his chin into his lap. James grimaced.

"I don't know where to start…" Sirius answered, "I know I've been a total jerk and all. And I… I… Merlin, Prongs, I just feel so bloody guilty."

"No need to feel guilty," James said comfortingly, "I forgive you for being an ass and making a lot of people cry."

"No, no," Sirius shook his head, "It's not that that I feel guilty about… well yes, that too of course… but it wasn't what I meant."

"What is it that you mean then?" James asked softly.

"I feel so guilty over something that happened," Sirius cried, "I know it's my fault entirely. You have no idea how much I blame myself."

"Padfoot…" James started.

"No, let me talk," Sirius interrupted, "I don't think I'll ever tell you if you don't let me tell it now."

"Go ahead," James said and he waited for Sirius to continue.

"Something happened," Sirius mumbled, "Something so terrible. I don't think I can ever tell anyone…"

Sirius was silent for a while and James wanted to tell him to go on, but he didn't think that was a good idea. So he shut up and waited, while Sirius collected himself and fought an inner battle. James smiled encouraging when Sirius looked up to him with teary eyes.

"I couldn't tell you Prongs," he sobbed, "Forgive me."

James nodded and waited another minute for Sirius to continue. Why didn't he just tell him what had happened, so they could get over with it and move on?

"I know my showers annoyed the hell out of you guys," Sirius whispered hoarsely, "But I had to. I felt so dirty. So guilty. I had to wash the guilt off. The warm water comforted me. It was the one place I could cry without being seen…"

James nodded and waited.

"I tried to eat, Prongs," Sirius was shaking, "I really did. But I felt so sick afterwards. Sometimes, I really was sick after eating. It was horrible. My stomach knew what I'd done and was punishing me. The guilt was eating me from the inside. I couldn't eat, I just couldn't. I wasn't worth it to eat. I didn't deserve to eat. I still don't."

James wanted to tell him that everyone deserved to eat. He wanted to tell him that he should have gone to Madame Pomfrey and that she would have given him something. He wanted to tell him that he'd take him to the hospital wing first thing in the morning, because it sure wasn't healthy. But he didn't. He let Sirius tell his story first.

"I'm so tired, Prongs," he sobbed brokenly, "I'm so bloody tired, but every time I fall asleep, I dream of it. And then I'm even more tired when I wake up. I'm so tired it hurts. I'm so tired I can barely move, barely live through another day."

James placed his hand over Sirius' arm and tried to show him that he was there for him. Sirius shuddered and stared at the hand. His breathing was uneven.

"Quidditch was no longer fun, as I could barely stay awake. I feel sick whole day, none stop. And it is worse in the air, because I know I don't deserve to have fun. I don't deserve to do nice things. So I feel _so_ bad the entire time. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I want to dig myself a hole and die. I thought about poisoning myself, but I was too weak. I'm even too weak to kill myself, Prongs."

Another waterfall of tears flooded down Sirius' cheeks and he sobbed hysterically. James felt scared. His best friend had wanted to kill himself and he hadn't noticed. He'd noticed that something was wrong, but not that his friend was so depressed he'd wanted to commit suicide. He shook his head disbelievingly and felt really bad himself. He was an awful friend.

"I couldn't face you guys anymore. You were all trying to be nice and to help me, but I don't deserve being helped. I don't deserve people like you. I don't deserve having fun or being cared for. It's all my own fault. If I hadn't been born, it wouldn't have happened. Merlin, how I wish I'd never been born at all. It's all my fault… Oh, it's all my bloody fault."

"What about Laura?" James asked. Sirius looked up at him questioningly, "Why don't you talk to her anymore? She is really upset about it. Don't you deserve her either?"

"I don't," Sirius mumbled, "I care for her, I really do. She's like a sister to me. I didn't want it to happen to her too. I had to protect her from it. And she reminded me of it, so much. So bloody much."

"What does she remind you of, Sirius?" James asked quietly. Sirius shook his head so fiercely, that James was afraid he'd hurt his neck. He saw Sirius struggle with a lot of emotions and words. He opened his mouth a couple of times, but closed them again immediately after. His nails dug into his flesh and his knuckles went white.

"Remember this summer?" Sirius mumbled and closed his eyes, "How I snuck out of your house? I know you noticed. You've confronted me with it. After _it_ had happened."

James nodded.

"Well… I met a girl," Sirius smiled slightly through his tears, "Her name was Naomi Reyes, she lived in your town. Have you ever met her?"

James thought deeply and shook his head. He didn't know whom Sirius was talking about.

"She was a muggle," Sirius explained, "I met her in a bar, where she was drinking milk. I thought it was cute that she was drinking milk, so I went up to her to talk to her. Get to know her, you know?"

James nodded and Sirius had a soft look in his eyes. A sad look, but also a soft and loving look.

"She had brown curls that danced around her shoulders and back when she talked," Sirius smiled at the memory, "Her eyes were huge and had the same color as chocolate frogs. I could drown in them."

He was silent for a moment and when he continued, he sounded like an old man, talking about the good parts of his past.

"She was beautiful," Sirius sighed, "Or at least in my eyes. I fell in love with her and met her secretly, at night, when I thought you were all sleeping. I didn't want you to know about her, because I was afraid she would like you more than me. However she seemed to love me back. When we had our secret dates, we mostly talked and cuddled. We talked about marrying. About running away together and starting a family. Yeah, we really did love each other."

"Wait," James interrupted, "Can I guess what happened next?"

"Go ahead," Sirius sighed.

"You told her you're a wizard," James guessed, "She couldn't take it and left you. Is that what happened?"

"Not at all," Sirius answered, "I didn't tell her I'm a wizard. I didn't think she needed to know, until she was ready for it. When you know each other for two months, you're not yet ready to hear the other is a wizard."

"Then, what happened?" James asked, trying to sound not too curious.

"On the night of the 21st of August, the night before you confronted me with my nightly habits…" Sirius took a deep breath, "She died that night, James."

James gasped, not having expected this.

"Apparently," Sirius breath was shaking, "My dear family had found out about me having a muggle girlfriend. They couldn't take the shame. Bellatrix stopped us in the forest, together with her lovely husband Rodolphus and my dear brother Regulus. They tied me up and forced me to watch them 'play' with her. They used the cruciatus curse on her, I don't know how many times. She didn't understand a thing of it. What she did understand, was that it was my fault. I can still hear her cry my name when I close my eyes."

"That's horrible," James choked. Sirius nodded and more tears ran down her face.

"They killed her after some time," he pressed his fists against his heart, "I didn't know what to do… I carried her back to the village and left her in her bed. I don't know anything after that: what her parents did, where they buried her, what they think killed her… But every time I close my eyes, I can hear her scream and I see her face. It's killing me, James."

"I know," James whispered. He did hug his friend now and he didn't think he'd ever want to let go of him again. They were both shaking and James was on the verge of tears as well. It was horrible.

"It's not your fault," James said in a strangled voice, "But let me promise you one thing…"

Sirius clung to James even more tightly and James wanted his words to sound brave, because he meant them and he would do anything to keep his word.

"I promise I'll make you feel better," he said.

"How?" Sirius whispered.

"I'll fix you."

* * *

Soooo now you know what was wrong :) Tell me, did it surprise you? Did you see it coming? Do you like it? Or do you think it's just reaaaally crappy?

So, now there's only the epilogue left (too bad huh?) so if you review, I'll update :) you know the drill :) and after that, you can all go read my one shots. And the knew longer story I'm writing (but not posting yet)

x


	15. Epilogue

Epilogue

_August 21__st_

"This time, it's my turn to pick the spot for our date," Sirius smiled. Naomi nodded and held his hand, waiting for him to choose where they would go to tonight. He turned away from her for a second and conjured a blindfold without her seeing him doing so.

"Am I being blindfolded?" she asked, laughing. He nodded and gave her his most wicked grin. She closed her eyes and waited for him to tie the fabric over her eyes.

"Can you see anything?" he asked. She shook her head, "Good."

He gently led her to his motorcycle and told her to hold on tight, as he drove away into the night. She shrieked and laughed, screaming how much she loved him and how much she loved the wind blowing through her hair. Yeah, he loved that too.

"The forest?" she asked, when he'd helped her off his bike and had taken off the blindfold.

"Yep," he grinned "Isn't it beautiful at night?"

"It is…" she sighed happily, nuzzling close to him. He picked her up and turned around with her in his arms. They both laughed, and he whirled until he got dizzy and they fell on the ground, laughing even more. She laid half on top of him and they watched the stars. She told him all kind of nonsense and he was happy to be able to listen to them. Life was perfect, with her in his arms.

"Look!" she yelled and she pointed her arms towards the sky, "It's a horse!"

"Nah," Sirius grinned, "I think it's a unicorn."

"Unicorns don't exist," she smiled.

"Can you prove that?" he asked in a mysterious tone. She shook her head and searched the sky for another figure she recognized. Sirius liked watching her more than watching stars, something he'd done a million times before with his friends. So he watched her watching stars.

"Sirius, I love you. And if I can't be with you, I'll wait for you. Endlessly," she said. He smiled.

A twig snapped on their left, and Sirius' head shot towards the sound. He didn't see where it was coming from, but it wasn't a full moon, so they should be save from werewolves. Maybe it had been a bunny. Or a unicorn, however he knew they didn't live in muggle forests.

Another snapping sound came from the same place, and the vague sound of hushed whispers. He wanted to believe it was just the wind, but something inside of him told him it wasn't the wind. Something screamed at him that it was danger.

"Hello brother," came a sneering voice from where the twigs had been snapped. Sirius could recognize that voice everywhere, even without seeing who'd said it. The fact that he'd called him 'brother' also gave away a few clues of course.

Naomi got half up and looked at where the voice had come from, nudging Sirius to get up as well. He saw Regulus and was reminded of the coldness of the Black blood. He stood there sneering at them, dressed in a green and black cloak and pointing his wand at them.

"Sirius?" Naomi asked, not really understanding what was going on.

"Hush, baby," he mumbled.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?" came a way higher voice from behind Regulus. Bellatrix and her husband stepped out of the woods and stood next to his brother. They too were pointing their wands at them.

"Leave us alone," Sirius snapped. Bellatrix clacked with her tongue and gave Sirius a very disappointed look.

"You're mother isn't too happy with you interfering with those dirty muggles," Rodolphus said.

"My mother is an old hag," Sirius answered.

"Shut up!" Bellatrix shrieked and she waved her wand. Her silencing spell made Sirius obey, "You're mother is an amazing woman. I feel very sorry for her for having had to raise you, you blood traitor!"

"Sirius?" Naomi asked again, sounding afraid. He pulled her close to him and tried to comfort her, but Bellatrix had done a good job with her silencing spell.

"Why don't you show some respect for your superiors, muggle?" Regulus snapped. He flicked his wand and Naomi was pulled out of Sirius' arms. She laid in the mud, staring at the three evil wizards with a scared look in her eyes.

Sirius wanted to scream to leave her alone, but he couldn't. He pulled his wand as well and was suddenly happy at being taught silent spells. Regulus fell and the spell on Naomi was broken.

"What is going on here?" she cried.

"Enough!" Bellatrix cried. Sirius felt his wand flying from his hand. Then, he was thrown against a tree and sat there dizzily, while his cousin tied him up with another annoyed flick of her wand.

"We will not have you poisoning the noble Black blood with such filthy muggle blood," Bellatrix said quietly, walking closer to Sirius. He spat at her. Even if he couldn't tell her how much he hated her, he could show her.

"Rodolphus?" Bellatrix asked sweetly, "Why don't you show my dearest cousin what happens when he doesn't show respect for his family and blood?"

"It would be my pleasure, my love," he answered.

Naomi's scream pierced through the night, as her back nearly bended double in pain. Rodolphus, Bellatrix and Regulus grinned as they watched Naomi suffering from the cruciatus curse.

"Show them again," Bellatrix ordered. Now it was Regulus who did the unforgivable.

"Sirius!" Naomi gasped between two curses, "Help me!"

"Again," Bellatrix said lazily and she did it herself. Naomi screamed for Sirius to help her, to hold her, to comfort her, but all Sirius could do was watch and cry, while the three cursed her again and again and again.

Even after a dozen times of being tortured, Naomi still screamed. She had locked eyes with Sirius and every time after their eye contact was broken because she was writhing in pain again, she restored it. Sirius could only cry and mouthed 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

"Enough," Bellatrix said after some time. It had felt like ages to Sirius, but it probably came closer to half an hour. He felt grateful for his cousin to stop the torture.

"You will keep our blood pure, Sirius," Bellatrix whispered, bringing her face very close to his face, "You will respect your heritage. Or else…"

She pointed her wand towards the panting and crying girl once more. She was murmuring Sirius' name but neither of them believed in salvation anymore. A green flash came from his cousin's wand and Naomi laid still. Sirius screamed and screamed and screamed. In silence.

"I hope you know this is your own fault," Regulus told him softly, caringly even, "And I hope you've learned a lesson from it, otherwise this has all been for nothing."

The three of them disapparated and the ropes around Sirius's body disappeared with them. He crawled towards his girlfriend, sobbing her name, noticing he could use his voice now.

"Open your eyes, Naomi," he begged, "Please… open your eyes… oh please… oh Merlin, please…"

She didn't open her eyes. Sirius clutched her body until no more tears came. He closed her eyes and picked her up in his arms, to carry her towards his motorcycle. He held her carefully, as if she was a hurt bird. A hurt unicorn.

He used alohomora to open the lock to her house and tiptoed up the stairs, entering her bedroom. Bright colors greeted him and a picture of the two of them stood on her bedside table. He laid her gently on her bed and took off her clothes, redressed her in her pajamas. He pulled her cover over her, as if she were a baby and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"I'm so sorry, Naomi," he mumbled. He left her house the way he'd entered it. He entered the Potter mansion as silently as he could and seriously considered James telling about what had happened. He stood in front of his door, wanting to enter, but he felt like he wouldn't understand. He shook his head and went to his own bedroom. He crawled under his covers and cried. He never wanted to wake up again. Ever.

Not without Naomi.

* * *

Oh how I hate that this story is over! Please, leave a comment and tell me what you thought of it. Was it good? Did the epilogue make you sad (I sure hope so ;) )? Did you absolutely hate it?

I would like to thank all of you who've read my story through. I know I must have bored you at some points, so I'm really grateful that you decided to keep on reading. I would also like to thank my reviewers. I couldn't have done this without you guys! Really, thank you all.

If you want to read more from me, here's the link to my new story: .net/s/6266867/1/Lost_Horizon This one's not in the Marauder's era, but I hope you'll like it anyway. If you ever want me to read something from you, just post the link in a review or a message, I'll be glad to check your stories out!

Anyway, I love you all and take care!

xx Sjoeks


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